| Question Home |
Position:Home>Poetry> Ever have to burst someone's bubble? Thoughts on my work in progress?Question: Ever have to burst someone's bubble!? Thoughts on my work in progress!? The Caller
She breathes confidence A cool sauntering tone Dispatching my mind From its usual arrangement It creeps through my receiver Such a dismissive air Forsaking the others As mere afterthoughts If only I could tell her I know she is wrong The days melt away As does her sheen A curious change From what I thought Was second nature Her voice breaking Racked with realization Full of desperation She knows she is wrong The letter will soon confirm itWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I like!. Try looking at removing "I know" from line 10!. To me it helps break better the thought before the next sequence!. And you last line maybe: "the letter will soon, arrive!."Www@QuestionHome@Com The first four lines which i read made me feel like this poem should of been split into a four line stanza!. However, these lines are to me absolute perfection:- She breathes confidence A cool sauntering tone Dispatching my mind From its usual arrangement I was hoping the rest of the poem would read like that!. However, i shall let these four lines continue to inspire me all day!. I have fallen in love with them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com You have wrote three very creative lines here, which are written and happen to be my 3 favorite lines in your poem! When I read it makes me feel, I want to go back and read it again, so I can feel it all over again! She breathes confidence A cool sauntering tone Dispatching my mind The line that says She knows she is wrong I kind of thought it could sound better this way--She's wrong, she knows I loved it! Thought the poem was well constructed! Cheers!!Www@QuestionHome@Com In the interest of not using wrong twice you possibly could change the last line!. I think it would fit better and keep the same meaning if you did something like this: she admits she was mistaken confirmation's in the mail!. Overall I thought it was well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com Im not sure if im interpreting it right but i think its really good but it seems like something it missing!. im not sure what though!. sry!. but its just me , im not an expert Good job!Www@QuestionHome@Com A good sense of foreboding hangs with this one!.!.!.!.I like !Www@QuestionHome@Com |