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Question: This is the first sonnet I have ever written, care to critique!?
During my 'vacation' I wrote five sonnets on anger!. This is just one of them!. Please tell me if you find error in its syntax!. Any suggestions are also welcome, and I love to read praise, as well as mockery!.
Spare me my gain which I have cast out yonder!.
Thou cannot bide in my creature’s dear appeal!.
Go to a place unknown to thee and ponder!.
My own pleasure has no open room to steal!.
My bliss delights not in thine theft, so leave!.
Go away hoarder of my heaven, it's filled!.
Within thine self find thou pleasure to thieve!.
Thine grisly wishes are drowning in guilt!.
Gasping for air filled with tortures thou submerge,
down into the pain of thy loss desiring to have cover!.
Once thou realize what the missing link is thou will emerge,
Then I will think of thee, a coward no longer!.
Take thine hate and spite from my blissful presence,
for I have gone through my own anguished desendence!.
I know its not the best, and very hard to understand in some areas, but it is my first!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I do not mean to parrot those who have posted before me, and I will not claim to be a master of syllables and their stressing/beats!.!.!.but your counts were off, which made reading it out loud awkward (yes, I actually tried it!. My brother thought I was crazy!.) My criticism is pretty hypocritical, since I doubt that I could ever write a sophisticated form of poetry like this!.
On a different note, I didn't mind the language choice, as I think it makes for good contrast with the more modern subject matter!.
A few suggestions (which you may or may not agree with, it's up to you):
Line 1: Perhaps add a comma, so that it reads "Spare me my gain, which I have cast out yonder!."
Line 6: I believe there should also be a comma in this line!. According to my understanding of grammar, it should say "Go away, hoarder of my heaven, it's filled!."
Line 9: It was difficult for me to understand what is filled with tortures: the air, or the person himself!? As I understand it, you meant the air- is that the correct assumption!?
Line 10: I am a huge fan of commas, and you probably think that I use them inappropriately!. At any rate, if you agree with me, this line should say "down into the pain of thy loss, desiring to have cover!."
Line 11: Again, a possibly inappropriate comma suggestion!. "Once thou realize what the missing link is, thou will emerge,"
Line 14: Neither I, nor the dictionary, believe that desendence is a word!. Were you looking for 'descent'!? If you chose to use that word, though, it would come off as a mere half-rhyme!.!.!.so I suggest different diction for this line!.
Of course, my suggestions for commas could be wrong- however, I find that their inclusion makes for a smoother reading!. Overall though, this was wonderful- I enjoyed it greatly!.
^^ By the way, I'm glad to see that you're back!.!.!.Your presence was sorely missed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree with Dondi in that it is a good start, but you do need to fix the meter and syllable counts!. also, I would like to suggest that unless you are writing a period piece, you should avoid the urge to use archaic language such as: Thou, Thee, and Thine!. It seriously distracts the reader from the theme and flow of the poem!. Just my opinion to use or not use as you like!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I don`t know anything about sonnets but yes we did miss you!. you`ve been gone for approximately a week!. Welcome back!
I know your thinking who is she!? lol but I am a fan!. Peace!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Spare me my gain which I have cast out yonder!. (11)
Thou cannot bide in my creature’s dear appeal!. (11)
Go to a place unknown to thee and ponder!. (11)
My own pleasure has no open room to steal!. (11)
My bliss delights not in thine theft, so leave!. (10)
Go away hoarder of my heaven, it's filled!. (11)
Within thine self find thou pleasure to thieve!. (10)
Thine grisly wishes are drowning in guilt!. (10)
Gasping for air filled with tortures thou submerge, (11)
down into the pain of thy loss desiring to have cover!. (14)
Once thou realize what the missing link is thou will emerge,(15)
Then I will think of thee, a coward no longer!. (10)
Take thine hate and spite from my blissful presence, (11)
for I have gone through my own anguished desendence!. (12)
Syllaballic count is off, and the meter is not always iambic, so it comes off a bit awkward for a sonnet!. Not bad for a first effort!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I hope you had a nice vacation!. As for your sonnet, I like your word choice and the style 'thou' have added to it by using archaic words like 'thee' or 'thine' (maybe it was Shakespeare's influence)!. another problem might be the meter, because as far as i know, a sonnet needs to be consistent in its beats!.
Though I'm no good in criticizing, particularly when it comes
to poetry, I really like your sonnet!.
Good luck!.
Lulls
and by the way, can you please have a look at my poem-in- progress!?
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.
And this one if possible!.!.!.!?
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com