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Question: Does my poem say what i mean, or does it lose you!?
i get so angry at my failure
to be more than what you see
yet daily i fall short of being nothing more than me
does intent contain no value!?
cant you see how hard i try!?
the truth of who i am is more important than the lie!
is my worth wieghed out and measured
by your idealistic view!?
arragant to think i am defined by only you!
you stand there ,judge and jury
condemning me to this one spot
it seems i come up wanting based on what i havnt got
words can lift a fallen angel
or trample one found weak
our value should be based upon the ones we chooze to speakWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Hey, not bad at all - it's got rhythm!. If I may humbly suggest that the 5th line from the bottom is a little awkward!. How about: 'and condemn me to one spot' !? also, a little work on your spelling and the use of capitals where appropriate would elevate this to near the top ranks!. One of the better ones I've read on this site - and the meaning is clear!. Well done!. (Don't get carried away - if you write a duff one, I'll soon let you know!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com
U lost control of flow in lines 3,6,9,12
however , the topic is well chosen!.!. and so the stream of expressing!.!.
Dear!.!. Ur poem is conveying the meaning LOUD & CLEAR!. keep it on Sis!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really like your poem!. It has a deep meaning in it!. Keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I do get sort of "lost" at line 7!. The first 6 lines lead me to think this is going to be a really deep piece, but then it goes another direction!.
In line 3, you say you "fall short" of being "nothing more than" what you are!. To me, being nothing more than what you are equates to being genuine; to being who you are, without trying to put on any pretense or false appearance!. Line 6 seems to indicate that this is really an ideal state!.
However in lines 7+, things seem to shift!. In place of that (apparent) wish to overcome the desire to be what you're not, you express a desire to be recognized for more than what some outsider sees in you!. ( And the outsider apparently sees you as lacking --"i come up wanting based on what i havnt got!.")
So it becomes a poem of seeking acceptance from the outside world!.
Unfortunately, that angle doesn't have the same kind of philosophical depth -- unless the "you" that the poem addresses in in fact your own Ego (or self-consciousness)!.
It seems like a let-down after such a promising introduction!. The initial idea of the struggle to be yourself collapses under the false idea that your self-worth rests in another person's opinion!.
So while I think I see what you are saying -- that the real you is more than what some other person sees -- I get lost because I don't see why you think it's important that this person sees you the way you see yourself, after you previously said the truth of who you are is more important than "the lie!." ( I interpreted "the lie" to mean the limited judgement of who you are based on outside appearances rather than your genuine nature)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hi
Your poetry is very nice and shows lot of distress really I felt sad and of course failures is part of every ones life, but if try hard in right way that really may lead to success!. Please do not under estimate your self every one have a value, and importance!. What I idealize is you are a nice and sensitive person!. May be you have some crises but I know that you will come out of it!.
The beauty of life is does not depend on how happy we are, but on how happy others can be because of us!.
Please try to do think in this way!.Www@QuestionHome@Com