Position:Home>Poetry> I'm 16 and worked really hard on this poem. Honest opinions please! Thanks a
Question: I'm 16 and worked really hard on this poem!. Honest opinions please! Thanks a ton!!?
A Shack on Mary’s drive
On Mary’s Drive I dwell
Accompanied by few
To this day I am the smallest shack
Mary’s drive has ever knew
Surrounding me are houses
Much bigger, much more strong
Their walls are covered in hard red brick
Material of which I long
They were shacks once long ago
This fact I know as true
Yet unlike me made out of tree
Received they materials new
Within those brick lined walls
Lies a group of their own breed
Families containing “the nation’s best”
Fill their homes with greed
A shack on Mary’s Drive
On Mary’s Drive I dwell
My walls are old and wooden
Far from an easy sell
With all these facts against me
I cannot help but grin
The other’s materials are beautiful
Yet somehow I still win
Look past my broken hinges
Look through my window small
Inside of me lives a group of three
Owning close to nothing at all
They look onto their neighbors
As I look onto mine
We may not have those hard red bricks
But we’ll remain just fine
What we possess is FAMILY
And yes that is a wealth
We’ll stick together through the rain
Through sickness and through health
-ME- <33333Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This tells a wonderful story and is quite charming!. But it needs some work!. The rhyming pattern of : xAXA, xBxB, xCxC!.!.!.!. is very strong!. In fact you have sacrificed the rules of standard English upon the altar of rhyme!. "Has ever knew" is a grammatical abomination!. But don't change it, because it works!. The next strongest quality is meter!. It is ALMOST always very regular, and when it is not, it is jarring!. For instance, "Owning close to nothing" has one syllable too much!. Try something like "They've close to nothing!." And in the third line "I'm" sounds better than "I am" to me!.
L7 - Change "of" to "for!."
L15 - Look for a two syllable substitute for "containing!."
L23 is a metrical mess!.
L 29 & 30 - "upon" instead of "onto!."
These are all minor, but may help!.
P!.S!. It doesn't matter to me if you are 16, 6, or 60!. The poem's the thing!. This one is good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
for a sixteen year old I think its lovely dear, but now for some real truths your first twenty or so lines you completely loose me because there is no direction seems like a lot of jumbled up pieces of detail that are unrelated to each other,
the last lines however are Briant they are clear an sweet and your poem has a fitting ending and over all like I said in the beginning its lovely darling keep it up, your a poet no doubt!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like the poem a lot, but it doesn't have a steady rhythm!. I have to read every few lines over again because it doesn't flow like it should!.!.!. if that makes sense!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Ur poem is like soooo gr8, i lov it, its liek sooo pretty yao, i mean you have the man spirit in u girl!!!, ur hip in writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Some lines have no flow like supposed to!.Maybe you can fix itWww@QuestionHome@Com
honestly!? if you insist!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.talent! good cadence, rhythm!.!.!.am also impressed by the mature and insightful words of this poem as well as by the way its crafted!. great workWww@QuestionHome@Com
refresing,yo!.
i like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com