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Question: Care to critique this!?
It needs a lot of work, just can't put my finger on it just what needs changing!. can you help!?
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Dancing in the rain
Or spies in her shower
We sure could entertain
And we still have that power
We’re connected at the ear
Connected at the mind
Our friendship is sincere
We’re kind of entwined
We’ve been through some trials
They’ve been thick and thin
But we came out with smiles
And closer within
We talk about boys
And life, school, God
We can make a lot of noise
We’re actually pretty odd
We sure can’t dance
But she can sing
When I get the chance
I tell her everything
I share with her my soul
And she does the same
There’s not even a toll
No silly liar’s game
We totally “get” each other
And it’s weird – out connection
She understands my crazy logics
With no further inspectionWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You are trying too hard to make it rhyme and it sounds a little silly in places!. One example is "We've been through some trials, they've been thick and thin, But we came out with smiles, and closer within!." That doesn't make sense!. What is closer within!? Within what!? Then you have "There's not even a toll" What is that all about!? "With no further inspection" is another question in my mind!. The poem is good but if you want to make it rhyme, it should make sense to the reader!. You started out really good but then you went downhill!. Just a few changes would make this a good poem!. I've had some poems published so I'm not trying to be mean, just helpful!. Work on it some more and it will be a good poem!. Rhyming is ok for a poem but it should make sense!. You are talking about trials you've been through so instead of "and closer within" why not put "let the good times begin!?" See you are happy you made it through your trials!. Just a suggestion but it makes more sense!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This poem talks about honesty
because there are no lies
no silly games!.
Each person understands the other one
Things in life like boys school and religion like
God!.
Our friendship is sincere and it must be to
have open honest
and communication lines open!.
You share your heart
along with your soul
So nothing is falling apart!.
She does the same!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

As it stands its meaning is quite clear, easy to read and bubbly in its texture!. Yes it could do with a little bit of work doing to it, that it if you wished it to be poetry in its true form, but as it stands it is quite an enjoyable read!. Two friends enjoying life, told by one who in her excitement has to get it all out!.

RobertWww@QuestionHome@Com

ha i love it!. though it ryhmed in some places but not completley!. there isnt a tune to it with the rhymes and the on ryhmes!. i like it though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

haha that was great!
It sort of reminded me of Dr!. Seuss lol!

critique me!?

http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com