Position:Home>Poetry> Help...my brother-in-law wrote this poem and wanted feedback on it. I don't
Question: Help!.!.!.my brother-in-law wrote this poem and wanted feedback on it!. I don't how to sum it up!. Any thoughts!?
Title: Vermilion Tales
He let the sun set until the sky was black,
And he couldn't see,
So he had darkness!.
The darkness in his mind was black,
But the darkness on his skin was red!.
Lacerations from pain and for pain!.
I asked him to tell me his story,
So he read his arm for me!.
He told me that straight lines meant pain,
Pain from deep within the heart!.
The kind of pain that is direct and unmistakable,
Like a straight line!.
He told me that jagged lines meant anger,
Uncontrolled and going in every direction,
As his anger flowed down both sides of his body!.
His entire being!.
He told me that diagonal lines meant sorrow,
Misinterpreted and vague,
And covered over the pain and anger!.
Sorrow seemed to get in the way -
It made the rest of the story difficult to read!.
He continued from his wrist to his elbow,
The lines getting longer and thicker
As the story progressed!.
When I thought he was finished, he lifted his sleeve,
And began chapter two of his autobiography!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Poetry
Your Brother-In-Law has an enomous talent! This story would be better with couplets because from a quick glance it will seem more intriguing to read!. I like it a lot but others won't be attracted by a long read with being entertained by rhymes!. Here's an example!.!.!.
A CRIMSON TALE
The darkness on his mind was black
But the darkness on his skin was red,
The lacerations burned his arms and back
But blackness seared inside his head -
With the heat came a painstaking story
Through the torture in his words he revealed,
His arms donned the sun's full glory
In a straight line a mesage concealed!.
A pain ran deep within his heart
A burning that was so unmistakable,
Tattoos make you suffer through the art
But the memory is so damn unbreakable!
In the darkness formed an explanation
That the jagged line was anger and scorn,
He questioned it's crooked formation
It filled him with hate and forelorn!.
Uncontrolled it spread in all directions
Something that rarely ever tricked him,
Pain came in waves and sucessions
Statistically he was a burn victim!.
He continued from his wrist to his elbows
As the lines grew longer and thicker,
Rapidly as the story goes on -
The pain became stronger and quicker!
At this point he was more than seething in pain
It was harder to pacify me,
So he rolled up his shirt sleeves over again
For Chapter Two of his biography!.
He has my blessings to become a great author and by God, I shall drink to that!
Grade A -Www@QuestionHome@Com
Lots of heart, I'm glad you and he shared it!. It needs fewer words, arrived at two ways: (1) condense expressions such as "uncontrolled and going in every direction" and (2) cut the phrases that tell us how to feel ("the kind of pain that is direct and unmistakable") and just tell a story that lets us originate the feelings ourselves!. When there are 100 fewer words this poem will be strong and direct!. Thanks for letting us see it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The poem announces itself as a story about 'cutting' from the very beginning!. It sounds like he may be trying to tell you about a problem he may have had or has!. Or perhaps he is 'relating!.' Then again, if you 'cut' then perhaps he is trying to reach out to you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Depends on if he considers you someone who knows something about poetry or not!. Is he just showing it to anyone that will listen, or is he trying to impress you more than anyone else!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is really amazing and it has a lot of symbolism which makes it very interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I dont get it, but he has talent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very long,
Has he never thought of verses!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it is so niceWww@QuestionHome@Com