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Question: A poem by a 13 year old author, hoping for improvement!?
THE GLASS
the optimist says-
that glass is half full!.
the pessimist says-
half empty!.
the grateful one says-
why worry how much!? it's clear that we have plenty!.
the simplist says-
there's more glass than we need!.
the economist says-
pour more!.
the snotty one says-
speaking of this water truly is a bore!.
The artist says-
look at the pretty water!.
The pacifist says-
that water can be shared!.
The alcoholic says-
if it's only water, honestly, then who cares!?
i think this poem has some potential, but it needs improvement! especially the snotty one part!.!.!.!. so please help me out with honest opinions!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Well done! I do not care how old you are!. This poem is interesting, philosophical and funny!. That is not easy to achieve!.
I agree with you about the word, "snotty!." The lines might read better as, "the snob says / speaking of water is truly a bore!."
I try to avoid using the word, "that" as the first word of a line because it is weak, and think the line after pacifist would sound better as, "water ought to be shared!."
My last suggestion is about the last line!. When I read it aloud, it seems too long!. How does, "If it's only water, who cares!?" sound to you!.
I know these are minor points!. But, the devil is in the details, isn't it!?
I love this poem and hope to see more from you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is really good, I have a revision if I may!?
To an optimist, a half full glass,
While the pessimist states half empty!.
Only the grateful one says why worry,
It's clear we have plenty!.
To a simplest, there is enough glass,
The economist always pours more!.
As for the affluent of our society,
mere water is such a bore!.
An artist sees the beauty of the water,
A pacifist thinks water should be shared!.
Honestly, speaks up the alcoholic,
If it's only water, who cares!?!?
I've just rearranged your words and left some out!. This is only my opinion, no offense meant!. Thanks for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You are a genius, im not kidding, you really are!.
The first verse is perfect in my opinion, however 2nd one's should change!. maybe
the simplicist says-
there's more glass than we need!.
the economist says-
heed not, pour more!.
the snobbish says-
speaking of this water truly is a bore!.
the third verse is good too!. wow you really have a talent!. good luck in poetry! keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it would be better if you lose the rhyming rule and just went with it!. And throw in a little vagueness to keep the reader wondering about what the heck you're talking about!. haha I find most of the fun with poems is getting into the poet's head and witnessing their thoughts through the prose!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is a great poem ! !.!.!.it is very interesting !.!.it makes you think about how people react !.!.!.you are very right about the snotty part you have to use better words but keep the great flow of the poem !.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm not a poem writer i mostly rhyme !.!.!.but wow for a thirteen year old you have big talent congrats and keep up the good workWww@QuestionHome@Com
WOW that's really good!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
dude people will steel this lolWww@QuestionHome@Com