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Question: What is you opinion of this poem i wrote!?
Yammering away in shrill voices
Like a rusty nail being driven through my brain
These vapid little temptresses act as though
the world revolves around them!.
Such pretty little sirens aren't they!?
But beauty hides a beastly mind,
Sirens are known for drowning sailors
and these are no exception!.
Flaunting their beauty in our faces
they seem to think we should worship them!.
But i wont worship you, Vile harpie
I see inside your heart!.
Its blacker than the abyss!.
Your forked tounge and your poisened words
may have angered me at first
but no longer will i let you have that power!.
I laugh at your attempts to make me want you
I dont want you, i dont need you, i dont like you
You are as vile as a gorgon you nastly little cow!.
I have moved on but I see your still the same!.
A vapid little whore with no depth at all!.
That is all you are!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to be a very harsh critic of this poem!.
First off, it has a very bumpy rhythm!. Readers like it when they have a steadier rhythm they can keep to!. Try to get this kind of rhythm pattern: ABAB!. Separting this poem into stanzas with 4 lines can also help you learn to get this kind of rhythm!.
You're also very wordy; you have completely beaten the subject of the siren's vileness to an inedible pulp!. There is no need for you to get so agressive and try to hurt the siren!. You hurt it enough by just forgetting and ignoring it!. I love your vivid description, but once you get your point across, cut it short right there, or move on!. Lingering may hurt this poem, but being descriptive will not!.
For example: "I don't want you, I don't need you, I don't like you!." You could have conveyed the same message with "I don't want you, like you, need you" or "I don't want you, don't need you, don't like you" or "I don't want, like, or need you"
You could have shortened this into an acceptable sonnet, and not lose the attitude of this poem!. Your message would still come across!.
Another thing that bugged me was how the poem jumps about!. One minute your talking about how vile sirens are, the next you're asking your audience if we (the audience) think they're pretty, and the next you return to your first subject!. Stick with subjects- start off with how beautiful the sirens seem, shift to their beastly interior, and then shift to your resistance!. It helps the readers enjoy your poem more!.
They seem pretty, but they aren't, and they won't trick me!. NOT: Sirens are awful, don't they seem pretty, they're actually hideous, they don't trick me!. In other words, your poem may make more sense if you move line 5 to the front, etc!.
Speaking of line 5- this line and line 7 are annoying me!. There's something about using "siren" within two lines that doesn't seem right with my tongue!. line 7 is also very bland!. It's common knowledge that sirens drowned sailors, so it would be very wise of you to find a different way to say this!. (Example: Mention the visibility of bleached bones on the shore that only you can see, or have sailors jumping from the boat only to sink into the ocean!.)
Personally, I think you need to really do a mass overhaul on this poem, especially if it's for a grade!. Using the same words and mindset, you could make this into a much shorter, and more enjoyable poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wonderful! I love itWww@QuestionHome@Com
Sirens are known for their lovely voices, yet you seem to make them sound unpleasant!. In my opinion, the tenth line "they seem to think we should worship them" sounds clunky!. You say she has no power over you, yet you state "no longer will i let you have that power"!. As if you came under her influence and are now leaving it!. It also seems overly degrading when you say "vapid little whore"!. I think it would more appropriate to mention her actions with vicious and decisive words first!. I like your use of simile in lines one and two; furthermore, it makes me think you purposely mentioned "shrill voices" to contrast the inner and outer beauty of these temptresses or sirens!. I think I get the overall message, but it could use a little cleaning up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Honestly, this is crude and full of hate to little affect!. It started off nicely, even subtly but later on the same opinions and themes were carried on with various hackneyed and vaguely medieval-modern day insults!. I understand that this is your raw and slightly exaggerated experience!. Disillusionmenet accompanied by anger are a common phase we experience!. The rhythm is there in most places but it seems more like an angry defamation letter to someone who let you down a lot than a poem!. There are no inventive metaphors, similes, alliteration, allegory etc!. in this chunk of words!. It is a common misconception that you simply write how you feel and the unsaid things you'd like to tell everyone and someone you will touch yuor reader!. While expressing yourself thus is therapuetic for you, you do not let the reader in!. This is not to say you lack potential!. All you lack is direction!. This poem lacks dierction it is full of the same old same old and is very very tween-teenagerish in its extreme frustration and anger!. Now you;vew let out what you've had all bottled up you can advance a little into proper poetry!.
JessWww@QuestionHome@Com