Position:Home>Poetry> How does this sound? please help?

I actually really like this but the third line kind of seems unfinished!. Like the Third line of every mini-paragraph should have a fourth line that ryhmes with it Like:
I love thee in so many ways
I’ll love thee ‘til the end of days
‘til the howling winds sweep me from the world
(________add a line__________)
But its just a suggestion!. After that its pretty good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Instead of constant reppetition of 'i love u thee' or something similar!.!. why not!.!. express!.!. ur passion for him/her!.!. let ur feeling come out!! its LOVE!.!. should have energy!! feeling like 'stars fall!.!. the whole world is urs, and there are no worries' :D
have a think!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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its actually ok,,,Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Okay, so you don't think my comments are heavy handed, understand that I've written poems almost exactly like this!.!.!.and learned the hard way what I'm going to tell you now:
Unless you're a Quaker or writing a period piece (which this one does not qualify), then "thee", "thou", "art", etc!. are archaic terms and take away from your poem!. The reason many famous poems are written that way is because that's the way people talked back when they were written!. This is a common mistake made by new poets, so don't think you're alone or that I've singled you out!.!.!.I've been beaten up in the past by publishers and critics alike for making the same mistake and I'm just trying to pass along lessons I learned the hard way!. Listen how much easier your lines flow if done in a more modern vernacular:

I love you in so many ways
I'll love you till the end of days
Till the howling winds sweep me from the world

You are surely for me
As I am surely for you
And the Earth that bears us rejoices

You belong to me forever
Under the stars we'll lie together
As the passion like flames burns fierce

Joyful spears of light pierce me
And my heart is filled with love for you
As deep and as bottomless as the sea

Does it matter that not all the lines rhyme!? No!. However, there are many cliches that weaken the poem (e!.g!. "as deep and as bottomless as the sea", "under the stars we'll lie together", "my heart is filled with love")!. You have a few original images, and they are fairly well done and far more effective!. "That" is what you should be after: original images that show us what "you" see!.!.!.things we may not have seen in our own minds, with our own eyes, or connections we never thought of before!. We don't want to hear what has come before, we want to hear something "new"!.!.!.and that's something "you" can provide!.!.!.and you do provide with lines like "till the howling winds sweep me from the world"!.

So, you need to go back and edit like crazy!. Don't feel that you "must" rhyme in order to make your poem "poetic"!.!.!.a well turned phrase is just as poetic, and often far more effective, than a contrived line that rhymes!.

!.!.!.if you've read down this far, you take your poetry seriously, and you should keep at it!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

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