Dark Star; Do you like my poem?

Question: Dark Star; Do you like my poem!?

DARK STAR don’t you hear my cry
Watching the world pass by
Take another breath
For a long goodbye

My song will be heard
Upon my souls return
And then, my joy thereafter
Which completes this turn

What love shall be lost
If my voice is like the grave
And none hear of it!?
What shall we then save!?

I have but days left
To make my mark
And control the fear, of children
Still, afraid of the dark

Yet, I sense you near, my dark star
Let our paths now combine
Don’t you be hidden by the night
You may, still yet shineWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Beautifullly written Gideon!. Puts the reader there in the night, gazing at the stars with you!. Good job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

http://www!.imeem!.com/qqbone/music/V4jK0o!.!.!.

A dark star follows me tonight
Filled with horror and delight
She's come to make another son
A brother for the other one, who's gone

The black storm on the pillow there,
Is the colour of her hair
Held by some strange gravity are my dark star and me!.

A dark star follows you tonight, you're filled
With horror and delight
You've come to make another son,
A brother for the other one
I hold a picture of your face, in my memory in embrace
With you I find I can't replace
My dark star!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'm changing my tactics, and taking time out to read others before I submit!.!.!.!.it is very interesting!.
I had already thought 'There is some-thing wrong with the last but one line' and my mind substituted 'get' for 'you be' !.!.!.which also provides an internal rhyme with 'yet' on the first line!.!.!.!.but, perhaps you need another word rather than 'yet' on the last line!!!!
Is there some significance to a Dark Star!?!.!.!.!.reading other critiques there seems to be the implication of the birth of another saviour or something!. Interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Less is more (a great secret), hence compare the above with:-

DARK STAR don’t you hear my cry
Watching the world pass by
Take another breath
For a long goodbye

What love shall be lost
If my voice is like the grave
And none hear of it!?
What shall we then save!?

Yet, I sense you near, my dark star
Let our paths now combine
Don’t be hidden by the night
You may, still yet shine

Where I've taken up yolandamaria d's suggestion of omitting one "you" too!.!.!.

P!.S!. Love the poem!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I thoroughly loved the content, but I think some of your punctuation threw me off!.!.!.you know, unconventional commas and the like!. Not that there's anything wrong with them, of course ;)

Overall, I really liked it, although some of your diction choices did not sit that well with me!.!.!.but I'll admit that I'm a fan of 'bigger' or more expressive words!. Great job, though!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

I do like your poem, and hear it's message, Yet I have a hard time to mentally vision a dark star, I thought on, black hole
in the sky!. Just me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think its excellent but perhaps the word "you" in the third line of the last verse would be better omitted!. What do you think!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Like the line about children afraid of the dark!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I especially like the second stanza!. It offers hope and completion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

essence of frustration is in exists!.To be eliminatedWww@QuestionHome@Com

i like it!.!.!.!.kinda sounds like shakespear!.Www@QuestionHome@Com