Guys.. u think this poem's okk?? :S?

Question: Guys!.!. u think this poem's okk!?!? :S!?

I visited my mental store!.!.
Why did I do it so!?,
Pen in my hand
Perplexed thoughts on my mind,
God! Why cannot I pry!?
At least my friends will let me try,
Great! Now what am I to write!?
Let me think it takes time to site,
First comes ‘Hansini’ on my mind
Yes, she is the one, who hates the blackest black guys,
Books will be the love of her life and so
Hope ‘Dinuka’ has not yet minded it though,

p!.s trying to describe each of my friends!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

The last 4 lines of a 12 line poem are about your friends, the first 8 lines are you getting ready to write!.!.!.do we need to know that!? If you want to write a poem about your friends, and not about you "trying" to write a poem about your friends, you should probably just get right to it!. The other thing of note is that your need to rhyme is costing you dearly!. Inverted word order (why cannot I pry, why did I do it so, etc!.) makes the lines read awkwardly and sound contrived!. I'm sure this was not your intent!. Be aware of your punctuation!.!.!.adding commas in the middle of a sentence doesn't help the flow (e!.g!. "she is the one, who hates!.!.!." should be "she is the one who hates" without a comma)!.

This is your poem!.!.!.you can edit it to make it better, or keep the best lines and start over!. Keep it simple, don't try to be too clever or too cute, and simply say what you need say by "showing" us your friends!.!.!.create images rather than tell us a story!.

!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

sounds complicatedWww@QuestionHome@Com