"Colors", A first draft, Comments please?

Question: "Colors", A first draft, Comments please!?

This just flowed in soooooooo!?

Evergreen, brings to mind
a song of beauty,
that lingers thoughtfully
in a color book of life
enhancing human nature!.

Yet, there are other
shades of green composed
green, around the gills
green, with envy
green horn, inexperienced!.

Painted pictures, hidden
sketched by mouth, brush,pen,
Fully exposes the shade
of color, one has choose!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I would be more inclined to limit it to just the green color as the the title is so broad!. Edit and look at some word choices: example maybe "life's color book" instead!. Choose or chosen at the end!?

Edit: It does have a different context with your note!. He removed his commentary and sent me a nice note!. He does write well!.!.!.just had one of those mornings and I was it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I too like the monochromatic elements introduced !. Green is also related to the environmental movement and as such gives the work a contemporary air!.

there is the possibility of a great perhaps visual epic poem buried in you heart!. Dig it out!.!.!.!.!.!. I particularly like "the song that lingers thoughtfully"

Last line : "one has choose" s/b one has chosen or one has to choose!. your choice and I do not want to be too picky but "green horn, inexperienced" might read as "green horn, novice" again!.!.!. your choice!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you are on a good path!. However, I have to admit that I prefer the first stanza to the second and third!. I think they need to be thought through a bit more!. Anyhow, I have a couple of suggestions if you don't mind!.

For example: Omit the "thoughts"!. "!.!.!.brings to mind and Yet, there are other" are very impersonal and are best placed in a research paper!.

Evergreen!.!.!.
a song of beauty
that lingers thoughtfully
in a color book of life, (comma here or !.!.!. )
enhancing human nature!.

Shades of green compose!.!.!.
Here is where I would consider anything that
green represents in 'human nature'
Green as envy, jealousy, illness, new or fresh, etc

Then use the third stanza to wrap up the thoughts from
the first and second stanzas!.

I know you only asked for comments, but judging from the first stanza, you could potentially turn this into a fabulous poem!.
Stick with Green!. You can go a long way with the color green in a poem!.

Good LuckWww@QuestionHome@Com

Green Poetry
When I see the color green
what comes to my mind
are the leaves on the tree
as well as the grass!.

On the street
when I see a green light
I can walk
Some gross things I would see green
mold on bread
as well as the algae on the waterWww@QuestionHome@Com

I like the concept of this poem, however, I think seeing that you started off with Green you should end with it or introduce other colours to give this balance!.
Your second stanza shows example of greens but perhaps more stanzas could introduce : black,blue, purple, white!.
or one line about each in the second stanza would bring the colour out, so to speak!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

What about the colors that compose green!? Or where they lie on the color circle (referring to their neighbor colors, and the emotions they evoke)!. That could be interesting!. Of course, that takes you in a whole other direction!. Just my mind pondering green!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Nice, but as you said, it's a first draft!. Try to use more "juicy words" that tell the reader what is going on without really telling them!.E!.G!.:
"He was dead"
becomes
"Blood dripped from his cold, hard body!."Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very interesting!. I like it!. Especially the last verse!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I do like it and I do see the colors!. Hope you'll post the finished work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really like the last stanza!. And as much as I like commas I might eliminate the one in the last line of S3!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Great!but you should add more verses as i feel that the ending if it is like this is quite abupt!.love it!(:Www@QuestionHome@Com