Position:Home>Poetry> Very rough draft of a poem, any suggestions?

This is good, though it lacks a certain "je ne sais quoi"!. If I were you, I'd alter some of your prepositions (I would change the "for" to an "of" in the fifth stanza, last line) to make them a little more comprehensible!. also, I would rearrange the stanzas themselves!. This is an alternate version that I've composed for you:

The Lover of Insanity

My life is full of the sweet sounds
Of love and happiness
Yet my sleep is haunted
By a world of horror and madness!.

We live amongst beauty
We live amongst pain
This world is our masked reality
From what I've seen, its all the same!.

We stand on the brink
Between life and death
Seeing two worlds at once
And living with each breath!.

My eyes search with yearning
The object of my desire and lust
My journey is filled with the rotten corpse
Of freedom, replaced with the infant of distrust!.

I am the mistress of war
I am the lover of insanity
I watch the world from a sweet embrace
I am the savior for humanity

They will take me!.
I am but a prophet
In a world with no future
If they can, they shall stop it!.

They left, abandoned the world
Left us to disolve into chaos
They came back to feed us, yet more!.
We ate hungrily, a world that was lost!.

We are fed lies for dinner
We digest them easily
For the world in which we live
Is too dire to live truthfully

They linger now, picking at the bones
Like vultures after a feast
What a world we have created
When the people are ruled by a beast

I can't really say that it's preferable to your original draft!. It is different, though!. Hope this helps!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

the fourth stanza needs to be tweaked!.!.!.the second line has a different number of beats then the first, and it ended up falling flat on its face because of it!. (i'm a harsh critic!.!.!.just a single word can ruin a poem for me sometimes!.)
but anyhow, it's a lot better than many of the horribly juvenile poems i've seen on this site!. it's also nice and dark, which is the kind of thing i like!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

Terrible,

Are you fishing for compliments!?
'Cause this is terrible good!.!.!.!.

The multifaceted imagery, mixed in the quasi-post-apocalyptic twist at the end, makes for a challenge poem to interpret on any level deeper than the obvious!.

Can I add you as a contact!?

Cheers,

EricWww@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

Pretty good, I have to say!.

And I'm very, very uptight about writing!. If someone posts a really bad cheesy story and is like, "HAY GIYZ IZ MI STOREE GUD!?" I'll tell them it sucks!.

And this definitely does not suck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

i'm pretty sure this was written by someone else!.!.!.!.i read poetry everyday!.!.!.!.i'm gonna look this one up cuz i know i've heard it before!.!.!.nice try though!Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

this is really goodWww@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

I havent heard it anywhere before, and reading this before i would have remembered!. This is why poetry is beautiful and meaning full because it comes from more than your head it also comes from your heart!. I think it explains in ways of how we live in this world!. I have never written a poem before and did last night for the first time it was for my daughter who died, i posted it might catch your eye!. But well done its greatWww@QuestionHome@Com

---

---