My first Senyu, what do you think?

Question: My first Senyu, what do you think!?

Please provide honest opinions; Thanks!.

flamboyant
swift swirl floats in air,
as a balarina dance!.

Here is a website that provides more information on senyu!.

http://www!.shadowpoetry!.com/resources/ha!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

oh yes, this is good, and I like the "dance" as subject!., "ballerina" as modifier!. This usage gives the piece a quirky flavour!. this may be a typo but I like it!. The other way you are lacking the simile and you are adding an unnecessary syllable!. !.!.!.but then again the "swift" might be a bird!. If that is the case swirl becomes swirls!.!.if the swift is meant to be the bird then it may work better on the introductory line!. I have also changed "in air" to "on air"

flamboyant swift-----------------------4
swirls floats on air----------4
as ballerina dances-------------7

The web site you have used is the one I usually use but I still try to adhere to the 3-5-3 -- 17 haiku rule when I can but I think this senyru is quite acceptable in form and lovely in the moment!. Since it is honest to the nature of the organic and rural requirements of haiku you could likely call it haiku if you want!. In these cases the poet gets to call it!. If an editor or publisher were to accept it it would be placed in a haiku section I am sure!. However you wish to complete it it is visually evocative and beautifulWww@QuestionHome@Com

dance or dances!?

effervescent, the
dancer glides through hazy fog
sharpened steel blades lead

Nice one!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

As a lover of dance, I really like this! Great job on your first senryu!Www@QuestionHome@Com