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Position:Home>Poetry> Last summer, this one was awful. I think I have fixed it. Do you like it?Question: Last summer, this one was awful!. I think I have fixed it!. Do you like it!? *****
THESE ARE THE WORDS FROM THE BOOK These are the words from the book, Regard them, guard them, Carefully mark them, Recite the words from the book, Respect them, reflect them, Project them on high, Remember the words from the book, Passed down, passed around, Passed in stone, Spread the words from the book, In translation, in notation, In exalted explanation, Content with the words from the book, With no demand to understand, The writer’s hand!. *****Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Listen, I'll join your cult, but I'm gonna need my own room and a hot shower once a week!.Www@QuestionHome@Com The poem is liturgical, so the form is a good one as is the voice and mood!. The thing about liturgy is its constancy!. You've played around with rhyme patterns here, some work, some work very well, and some don't work very well at all!. Since liturgical works are often sung, they need to be at least slightly lyrical, even if in a Gregorian chant sort of way!. There are three patterns that work very well here: stanza 1, stanza 3 and stanzas 4 and 5!. Stanza one lacks immagination, but gains by repetition, whereas 4 and 5 are just the opposite; stanza three has internal repetition, and that works well too!. One pattern you didn't try might also work for this poem: abba (the bb existing in line 2)!.!.!.!.if you were to edit the last line with this pattern it would look like this: Be content with the words from the book With no demand to understand Why the writer's hand shook to make this pattern work, the lines would be spoken slowly, as in a liturgy!. Although it also sounds good as a stanza 4/5 pattern: Be content with the words from the book With no demand to understand Why shook the writers hand Notice that "be" was added to the first line of this stanza!.!.!.it totally changes the meaning of the stanza, but if this is a liturgy, you're "telling" the listener what to believe, not providing your feelings on it!.!.!.the "shook" was added just to show how the line might rhyme as well as lengthen the line which had too few beats!.!.!.it changes the meaning of the stanza, as well as the poem, but was only intended to be an example of how the rhyme would look/sound!. The poem doesn't need "fixing" as much as just a little more editing!.!.!.I'd recommend you settle in on a single pattern and go with it throughout!. You're certainly on the right track!. !.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com Hmmmmmm!.!.!.!.!.I got the distinct two impressions: Moses is saying this to his wayward tribe at the base of the mountain!.!.!. A good preacher, in a church, is saying this!. Either way!.!.!.you have alliteration and ryhme down pat for your message!.!.!.!.'no demand to understand the writer's hand'!.!.!.!.emphasis on 'demand'!.!.!.hmmmmmm!.!.!.fascinating! Yeah!.!.!.I'd say you've dusted off a diamond!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com Its cryptic and mysterious!. A Poem of a book of codes!.!. regurgitation!.!.!.saturation!.!. elevation excellent ! Could the power of a word transcend the mind of God!.!. soar freely, indigent!. misunderstood!?!.Www@QuestionHome@Com i like it!. !.!.!.!.got funny notes & birthday cards i cherish that your poem describes just as well!. your poem words are the 'reading between the lines' words if think what you have in your hand is worth anything!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Pretty intense !.!.!.I think !.!.!.Sounds Religious >> Remember the words from the book Passed down passed around Passed in stone >>>> Moses>>> We loved it !! The ending sealed it for meWww@QuestionHome@Com It's allright!. It does sound like some holy book that you are writing about!. On a scale of one to ten, this one gets five points, ten being the ultimate poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I have just checked my files: no, it was not awful, but the last lines of each stanza did not really work!. It is much better now!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Not a big believer in blind faith!? The last stanza put a stamp on the poem for sure!. Well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I agree with Elaine!. Sounds like the Old Testament as it is often referred to!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I like this much, It is provoking, Me I like to------------- "Seek and you will find!."Www@QuestionHome@Com It reminds me of a diary!. Nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Very good worth the read!. What's the name of the book!?Www@QuestionHome@Com Sounds like the Torah!Www@QuestionHome@Com Sounds like this is about some Holy Book!?Www@QuestionHome@Com As I read it I thought of the Bible!. Good Poem!. nfd?Www@QuestionHome@Com |