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Question: Poem just written, what do you think!? Criticism welcome!.!?
There's a sound coming around the corner,
and nobody wants to heed it,
it's the sounds of bombs and fire,
and everyone just wishes we were done!.
The Paranoid Empire
is taking you away, away to a blood-stained
land,
pray you come away safe and sound,
and get your *** off that cursed ground!.
People are mobilizing,
police are hurting,
children are weeping,
the young adults are coming to take it on,
mother get your son back inside!.
The air is suffocating,
there is a madness in this land of the free,
and I'm sick!.
Hospitals clogged and worn down
filled with the broken and the weary,
while an emperor is smiling about nothing,
the blood of over 4,000
staining his hands,
and the soil of this paranoid land!.
Woman your sign has been torn from your
hands,
mantras escaping your cracked lips,
tired and beaten!.
Hawks and Doves are maneuvering for
power, dominance,
it's a war back here,
what's the point of teaching another country,
if we can't even teach ourselves!?
Peace…Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have some really powerful images here and I find it a little hard to critique when I am so completely in agreement with something!. However, I think you have tackled too many ideas in this piece!. There are the foundation for three or four poems here that would each be better than the original because you could complete the images that you started out with!. There is the reaction to war (as well as this war) that you start out with but the jump to "you" phrases addressed to a soldier suggest a different idea that needs to be developed!. Then there is the mother who is addressed directly and that seems to need a different treatment!. Finally, you have the issue of the "Imperial Imperative" that has driven us to where we are!. I think that separating these into different poems, or numbered sections of the same poem would be more effective!. (That last idea is more difficult that it sounds since you then create the need for some overlying simile or concept or play of words that will tie them all together!.) That will let you find some more creative language and startling word usage for each poem that will improve on the already vivid descriptions you have here!.
Remember, critique is an opinion!. This is mine!. You can use it, lose it, or give it to Good will!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You write well!. If you are experiencing war, my prayers go out to you and that you will find peace!. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Panick-stricken!. I have goosebumps!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Powerful and gets the point across reads well! Good Job !!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I enjoyed this very much!
Keep it up!Www@QuestionHome@Com
its such a good poem i wish u would understand thou
in other wars soo many more people died soo many more only 4,000 thats not alot compared to the other side!. dont get me rong i greive for those peple and there families that is 4,000 families that wont get to see their sons and daughters again but thoses pple wanted to fight for their country and they did that noing that they might die!. dont insult them and say this war is pointless bc of them u get to say that!. our president may have made some mistakes but this is not one of them u try doing his job u would buckle under that kind of pressure!. do not preach that which u do not understand
otherthan that god poemWww@QuestionHome@Com