Position:Home>Poetry> I don't think I like this poem anymore?
Question: I don't think I like this poem anymore!?
Suggestions, should I just completely rewrite it!? Thanks
I want you
I want to turn
around and see you there
see your loving eyes
I want to feel
your arms around me
as i lay upon my bed at night
I want to feel you lips upon me
evertime I am lonely
I want you
I want to hear
your voice as it warms
my body, my heart
I want you hear
your breath in unison
with mine at night
I want to wake
to your bright smile
I want you
I want to say
that i love you
I want to say that you are my
everything
I want to know
that I, too, am your
everything
I want you
I want you to hold
me and never let go
I want you to whisper
of your love for me
in my yearning ear!.
I want you to be with me as long as
forever exists
I want you
I want you to
want me
I want you to
need me
I want you to
love me
I want you
I need you
I love youWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Its ok, Its a bit basic in parts and kind of sounds romance novel like!. I think you need to dig a bit deeper, its a little shallow in depth in you know what I mean
Just rework it a bit
I never said it was dirty, I only saw one person who was out of line with there commentWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like it but, it DOES need to be a little more heart felt and you need to let your emotion show inside the verses and stanzas!.
It has a good intention and a good ending!.
I think that if ou re-worded it and took a little bit more time on the emotions and showing your feelings, it would make more sence, flow better, and switch a few things around!.
Best of luck!!! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
seems kinda basic in parts, repetitive word choice!. usually poems have long words that some people don't know!. It is easy to understand, though, which is good!. Put some more emotion into it so the readers can feel what you felt when you wrote it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's too simple with no clear point, or strong enough words to back it up!. It's a start tho!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
These poems are so private they should not be aired publicly and definetly
not shown to the BF !.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Rather simplistic, could use some work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
WowWww@QuestionHome@Com
it's better than ok but not greatWww@QuestionHome@Com
One of the advantages (and disadvantages) of poetry is that whatever you meant when you wrote it, its meaning to the reader will be colored by their own experience, ideas, thought patterns, etc!. So that when you let it go, you have no real control over the impact it has!. That said, I think your instinct is correct!. Raw emotion, of which there is plenty in this piece is not enough to carry a poem by itself!. There needs to be some compelling use of words, fresh ways of seeing and saying things to make it really work!. This is not to say that this kind of writing is bad, but it is like most people's early work, not really well crafted yet but full of potential!. I think you should keep this and someday (maybe today!) you will hit on the creative way to show how you felt at 16 and will channel those feelings into a really emotionally moving piece of poetry!. Don't be discouraged by your early work, learn all you can from it and learn from other writers so that as you mature, your writing does as well!. If you have a chance get a copy of my current favorite book on writing poetry, The Poetry Home Repair Manual by Ted Kooser (former Poet Laureate of the US)
Alway remember, critique is an opinion!. This is mine!. You may use it, lose it, or give it to Goodwill!.Www@QuestionHome@Com