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Question: Please critique this poem!.!?
Second Home
By Cynthia S!.
At seven I played with
Jim and Willis!.
we lived in domes, donned
space suits, skated down a canal!.
At ten I was kidnapped with Elwin,
learned to speak with Hrossa, rode
on the shoulders of Sorns,
understood grace and redemption!.
At eleven I went to Mars with Capt!. Carter,
saw Helium and Thoats,
met Deejah and Thuvia,
I did not forget to curtsy!.
I was 14 when I felt Mike’s pain!.
the homesickness,
the confusion about all things Terran
which echoed my own!.
As a young woman I went with Mariner
flew over Olympus Mons, showed
my sons, still nursing, all the wonders
that would be theirs…someday!.
I watched Spirit and Opportunity with equal
parts of awe and jealousy live beyond their
allotted time to send postcards from
home!. Fear not, Phoenix!.
There has always been life on Mars!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is a terrific piece!. Those who don't get it just haven't read the books or experienced the real life exploration that went into it!. Poetically it's fine work, I might niggle about and find some critique for a line break or word usage somewhere but it's not important enough to worry about!. Don't worry about the fact that there are those who have never been to Mars in the the life of imagination!. It's their loss, not yours
Hail, John Carter!
I just saw a previous answer, your line breaks in Stanza one seem just right to me!. There's always a purpose to a line break, often it's to signal a pause too slight to be done with punctuation and occasionally to pull the reader along to something that is going to surprise them!. I think you done just fine!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I just finished a course on Poetry Analysis, and you seem to have a common problem here!.
My teacher always insisted that it's a bot confusing when you leave words of a same sentence scattered between the lines!.
I don't know if that creates some sort of intended effect, but it kind of breaks the flow of the words
I mean, instead of writing:
At seven I played with
Jim and Willis!.
we lived in domes, donned
space suits, skated down a canal!.
it would be
At seven I played
with Jim and Willis!.
We lived in domes,
donned space suits,
skated down a canal!.
I'm not really sure I got the complete idea of what you are saying, but there's my little suggestion!. Hope it helps!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is really!. good!. all power to you for this!. its touching and sincere!. more intimate than a lot of poetry ive read!. intimite is good!. things you keep close to your heart and what not!. i love the style of this!. and the words you chose to use!.!.really great!.
im glad i got to read itWww@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry I don`t like it because I don`t get it, maybe!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
its awesome!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its a little confusing with all the wierd names you use!. but i think its kinda cool !.Www@QuestionHome@Com
A New Martian!! Where have you been hiding!? Why haven't we seen you here on Mars!? Well, now you have arrived!. Welcome!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its ok!.!.!.not that goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
I couldn`t stop reading!. Very Interesting!. Where have you been hiding!? On Mars!?Www@QuestionHome@Com