Position:Home>Poetry> One of my first poems - feedback desired - good or bad...?

For a "first poem", or one of your first poems, it's both good and revealing!. What I see here is your ear playing with sounds while your mind thinks in a linear way!.!.!.your storyline is direct and looking at your line breaks and rhyme patterns I see that you started out better than you finished!.!.!.perhaps because you felt you weren't rhyming enough!. In any event, you asked for feedback, good or bad, so here it is (keeping in mind that this is one of your first attempts at poetry):

You started out with "Love" as your title!.!.!.or so it would seem!. Even though that is your concept, you don't need to run it into the first line!.!.!.so you don't need a comma after "love", but an extra line would be good!. If you look at your beats you'll notice that line three is a little long!.!.!.you could shorten it by dropping the "to be"!.!.!.if you try it, you'll see it doesn't change the meaning of the line and you've used fewer words without making it sound choppy!. This is what you should be after!.!.!.brevity with clarity!.!.!.the same would hold true on the next line by dropping "and"!.!.!.here is how the four lines would look:

Such a simple word,
yet so complex;
casually tossed around;
used out of context

If you read it line by line with a short pause between each line, you can almost hear someone contemplating its meaning!. Next, you can leave the next four lines as short and call them a stanza, or you could reformat them this way:

I love my cat, I love my dog
I love the girl I met at the mall

and use them as lines 5 and 6 to the first stanza!.!.!.because they actually finish the thought of the first four lines by providing an example of what you're trying to convey!.

Then you drop into short, rhymed couplets!.!.!.always a dark hole in poetry!.!.!.although you actually form an aaba pattern, you can tell from the lines that follow it is really about couplets!.!.!.and that's too bad because the poem above them is far better than what comes after!.!.!.to a point!.!.!.!.also, it's "too close to me"!.!.!.not "to close to me"!. I like the "what she can see should not be seen", but it gets lost in the rhymed couplets!. The only time rhymed couplets really work is when they are long or come at the end of a poem or stanza where they deliver a punchline or ending to that section or piece!. It's not that what you have to say is not good, it is, it's just that you would have done better to avoid the rhymed couplets and produce something line the first six lines!.!.!.which were actually pretty good!. The last line is inside out!.!.!.and sounds contrived, even though it rhymes!. This is the tricky part about rhymed poetry!.!.!.a part you got right at the beginning, but wrong at the end: your rhymes need to sound accidental!.!.!.they should be part of a naturally spoken line, and I dare to say that you would never say "alone I woke"!.

So, it's a good "first poem" because it shows you instinctively have an ear for what sounds right!.!.!.and it is a good one to keep so you can refer back to it over the years as you progress, because it shows that when you started thinking about the rhyme too much, you pushed your instinct aside!.

!.!.!.hope this helps, and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

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Excellent!.You mention other things but it didnt stray away from the message of your poem!.Everything connected and connected smoothly!.Great job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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well I must say, if this is your first poem, I hope you won't let it be your last, you show real potential!. This is a great poem!. Great job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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aww that's a cute poem
did soemthing actually
happened like that or
was it inspired by something

good work and keep on writing poemsWww@QuestionHome@Com

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that is totally alrightWww@QuestionHome@Com

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awwwwwwwwww<33 how cutee!!i love itt<33Www@QuestionHome@Com

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you just brought tears to my eyes that are about to come out!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love your poem, and it's so sad!. you fall in love and then she gone, seriously i was just about to cry!. i really do love your poem!. you should try to publish it in your schools newspaper next year if you have one, or just find someway to publish it!. i write poems too!.
again!.!.!.!. I LOVE UR POEM!!!!!!!!!
tear drop, tear drop,
if i knew how, i would become your number 1 fan on yahoo!. if you want me to, tell me how and i will be ur fan!!!!!!!!! (plz do not think that i am a stocker!. i am really not) sorry if this sounds weirdWww@QuestionHome@Com

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