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Question: Critique My Newest Poem!?
The Storm In My Mind
The rain beats against the window panes,
half-frozen drops,
tapping like impatient fingertips!.
Glancing off into the moody sky,
I notice a ray of dull light,
fighting its way through the gloom!.
The subtle darkness of the cloud-cover
shields my eyes from unwanted sunshine!.
The turmoil in the heavens,
the pounding of the thunder's drum!.
It's the beat that keeps the storm alive!.
One and the same,
the storm and I!.
Like raindrops, my own tears crash down!.
I view little light in my shadowed mind,
yet I don't want my own storm to subside!.
The morbid thoughs are always the most comforting,
I don't ever attempt to shy away!.
The constant drumming of my pounding heart,
pumps the blood through my shallow veins!.
The storm and I,
we're one and the same!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wow, literally!
That first metaphor is crafty and mind blowing!
- "turmoil in the heavens,"!! A perspicacious (my word of the day) adjective that fits in like food in frig!.
Other signs of creative genius!
- "Thunder's drum!."!!!
Line 13/11! The best lines I've read in a day or two!.
The chorus listed in part one doesn't really show your unionship with the storm yet, but as part 2 commences it becomes apparent!. The final chorus/conclusion stanza unveils the semi-hidden theme, and blows the reader away like a crashing wave of understanding!.
I noticed a 'tense' revision you would have to make to get this published (as in a book)!.
Line 2- Tapping, change to tap!.
Line 15 - Little as an adjective for light, is too vague!.
I give this poem a
STAGGERING 9!.9/10
Seriously the best poem I've read on here so far!.
Looking forward to reading more of your work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it good jobWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, that is really good!!!
You are a great writer!! 10/10 for sure!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i personally like it!
and just to let you know, where it says morbid, it should be thoughTs instead of thoughs!. =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
like itWww@QuestionHome@Com