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Question: Poem, written last night!. What do you all think!? Criticism welcome!.!?
Life is a maze in
the dregs of the wine bottle,
collapsing drunk by the wastebasket,
a hope that has been sunk!.
Hugging yourself,
chills and fire wracking your body
in a sickening glimpse of what could be,
Life!.
Head in your hands,
corner filled with bad dreams,
in the forms of broken bottles and morphine,
leaving you broken, among other
things!.
Clashings and tribal feelings
wrapped up in yourself,
contemplating the sunflower
sitting drooped in the window pane!.
The moon is unnaturally large,
it's face is Eden,
and it's lips are kissing Death's constellation,
dwelling above this wrecked apartment,
pale and round!.
You yearn for pleasure,
those are primal and fundamental,
all wrapped up in one!.
What have you done,
sitting in and speaking out,
carousing laughing weeping
stretched out too far,
robbed blind in your stupor,
these damn chains!.
Don't do what I have done,
it leaves one shaken,
experiments are soul-awakening,
but they cannot be found
in these wine doldrums!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wow, that is really excellent, honestly!. The structure adds to it hugely, very dark, I really like it!.
The only single thing I would change or leave out is 'among other things', I don't think the vagueness adds to it what specifying would or might!.
But really, I think it's great =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is a very powerful poem, with many dark images that lend to the mood and message!.
I would only edit this part somewhat:
corner filled with bad dreams,
in the forms of broken bottles and morphine,
leaving you broken, among other
things!.
I know what you are trying to say, but you repeated words which made them loose their 'power' of meaning!. IE: "Bottles" "Broken" Already used those words, think of another word or blend them in one!.
Maybe!.!.!.!.
corner filled with bad dreams,
in the forms of shattered glass and morphine,
leaving you broken, among other
things!.
Or
corner filled with bad dreams,
in the forms of broken bottles and morphine,
leaving you in it's likeness, among other insidious
things!.
Just a suggestion but great poem!Www@QuestionHome@Com
its good but its long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com