i redid and added more stuff to my old poem!.
1!. Do you like better!?
2!. What can i change to make it better!?
4!. Do you like it!?
Thanks!.
Summer
It’s that time of year,
When kids start to cheer,
Classrooms and buses miss the obnoxious little children,
School pops up in childrens heads only every now and then,
School’s out and kids are carefree,
Kids roam around and flee with glee,
Teens layout there towels and go out for tans,
While many are making travel plans,
Its hot outside on this balmy summer day,
Some are out by the cool bay,
There is a slight warm breeze
While many people show their bare knees’
Some are off on relaxing vacation,
While others are at home bored and have no concentration,
It’s summer time,
And now I’m off on a trip that’s all mine!.
this is the link to my old one :
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think some of the lines are a little wordy "While others are at home bored and have no concentration" could be just "Others bored with no concentration"!.!.!.Another thing is that it seems your just putting the first word that you can think off to rhyme with when there are plenty of others that will fit better, like "while many people show their bare knees'" could be something "to put static minds at ease" !.!.!.i know you could do better!.!.!.try reading it out load instead of just in your head which help with the overall flow of the poem!. Good luckWww@QuestionHome@Com
The only line that should be changed is "While others are at home bored and have no concentration,"!. Change it to 'while losing concentration, others descend into boredom!."
I have to say its a very refreshing piece, mostly because the topic is unique!.
I say this is very good and you should keep it up!. The only thing to watch out for is to minimize the wordiness and use more powerful and succinct phrases!.Www@QuestionHome@Com