Position:Home>Poetry> Feedback on Haiku poem?

I know you already explained about it not being a traditional haiku, but the fact that it's not traditional tends to distract one from the actual poem!. My first thought was not about the poem itself but was "hey!.!.!. that's not a haiku"
So, though unconventional haiku are sometimes acceptable, perhaps it might be better to stick with the conventional form in the future so as not to distract from the poem itself!? Just my opinion!.

I like the poem itself, but I would suggest cutting a few words in the last line!. It should be down to bare bones minimum needed to convey your meaning!.
My suggestion would be:

I stood alone in the field,
Under dark clouds in the sky
And understood why the natives thought the Gods were angry!.

I don't think it's necessary to re-state the "I" in "and I understood" because it's already clear that you are the subject in that line!.
I also think omitting "that" is a good move, because it's not a necessary word and seems to make the line a bit clunky when read aloud!.

Good poem though - very clear imagery :)


As a side note, the plural of haiku is haiku!. There is no such thing as "haikus" Japanese does not have plural words!. So the plural of ninja is ninja, the plural of kimono is kimono, etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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i dont think its really a poem more of a statement that rhymesWww@QuestionHome@Com

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Okay, a Haiku!.!.!.three lines!.!.!.but we had to link to your blog in order to read it!.!.!.first advice: next time just type it in your post!.!.!.it's only three lines!. For those who'd like to see it without linking!.!.!.here it is:

The Natives

I stood alone in the field,
Under dark clouds in the sky
And I understood why the natives thought that the Gods were angry!.

You indicated that you were new to poetry, so I'll break it down for you:

1!. Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry comprised of three lines with 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively!.

2!. Haikus don't normally have titles (though they're often numbered)

3!. Haikus are written entirely in lower case; the Japanese characters didn't have capital letters, so the English versions are traditionally in all lower case as well!.

4!. Haikus, in their purest form, contain a "season" word and are usually observations about nature or uses nature settings to imply something metaphorically!.

5!. Haikus contain a break between line two and three!. Usually, the first two lines set up an image and the third line sets up a parallel image in opposition to the first!.

With this in mind, what you've written is not a Haiku!.!.!.it is, however, an insightful poem!.!.!.it's just not a Haiku!. If I were to attempt writing your poem as a Haiku, it might go like this:

alone in the field
under dark clouds in the sky
thought the gods angry

Not a "good" Haiku, but at least a Haiku!.!.!.you can see that your poem communicated more than this Haiku!.!.!.and I wouldn't suggest you change your poem because it effectively communicates your idea/vision!.!.!.just understand that it isn't a Haiku!.

!.!.!.keep writing!.!.!.my background is engineering too :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Thank you for the inspiration mate! May I borrow your theme and set it in the more familiar haiku order!?

standing all alone
sky threatening grey
angry spirits shout

even the natives
know why such godly fierceness
governs this kingdom


Please keep writing, posting your poems and teaching us new ways of writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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