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Position:Home>Poetry> Could you offer some advice on my poem?Question: Could you offer some advice on my poem!? Why do I do this!?
Why am I sitting here!? Eight are in front, and six are in back!. I still haven't made my decision, and the natives are becoming restless!. Nobody in front is clearing out, yet!. So far, 30 minutes of my life is gone!. And I know I'll lose an hour more!. For what reward!? You've offered and enticed me with more than you'll ever be able to deliver!. I despise you!. I hope you're happy!. The drive thru has brought me to tears, once again!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: LOL, that is so good!. Creative idea for a poem!. I think you should change the time frames you have submitted though; even with eight in front of you its highly unlikely you will have an hour to wait before you get your food!. Don't change the number of cars in front or behind, or the order you picked for those numbers, they are perfect! But it's doubtful you've been in the drive thru for a half hour already and still have eight cars in front of you, or that an hour more remains!. The for what reward!? and stating that they entice you with more than they can deliver was a very nice twist!. it is another way of addressing issues with fast food places other than to simply attack the waiting times!. WIth the I despise you part, that is good, and i know what you mean!. you mean that you despise them for doing these things to you, but you also despise them for enticing you and being there for you and keeping you coming back to them over and over and over again, when you would honestly rather they just all fell off the face of the earth, like the rest of us!. you're trapped! I advise you title your poem in a way that helps the reader understand all that you are implying with the i despise you line!. Something about fast food franchises being black holes that suck your time and money etc!. or drive thrus being like the last hallway a condemned man walks to the chair (since fast food restaraunts may as well be electric chairs anyway)!. something to do with being a prisoner to them, but one that wants to be free!. i don't know, just some ideas!. hope they help!. at any rate, it was a very entertaining poem and I really enjoyed it!. well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com It's pretty good!. Lot's of people are scared of spiders and bugs with lots of legs, so people will definitely relate!. I do feel the angst!. The love/hate relationship you have with the natives!. And the part where you are questioning your existence rings solid!. Good going!. I would be interested to read more of your poems, mister guy!. If I can find you on here again sometime!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Are you talking about a drive in movie Sure wish I knew what these nice words are about!?!.!.!.Blessings YahooWww@QuestionHome@Com Very nice!. I liked it!. The rhyming could be better but its still nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com THATS NOT EVENA POEM!. THE WRODS DONT EVEN RHYIME!.Www@QuestionHome@Com L0L!. It made my day!! I love it! You have talent! Keep them coming!. ?Www@QuestionHome@Com wtf!? Dude explain please!Www@QuestionHome@Com haha, my sort of poem!! i just wrote one about an onion!.!.!.!. no really, i did! i like this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |