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Question: Breaking free of prose!. Does this come closer to being poetry!?
Unrequited Love
By Warren Domke
How can I say it!?
I am your captive, drawn by
Your brown eyes, your youth, your smile
You are innocent and sweet!.
I reach out to touch your hand,
We draw each other shyly nearer, an embrace,
And our eyes shyly meet!.
Love comes in many forms!.
A father loves his child, a husband his wife
But it’s not always that clear!.
Best served when it’s shared,
Love is a beautiful gift; given, never taken,
Never demanding and always dear!.
Some things are best only felt,
And best left unsaid!.
Loving without being lovers,
Caring without condition!.
Giving, accepting, thanking, smiling!.
Accepting what cannot ever be,
For what it can be and is!.
Unrequited love!.
Now, I'm pretty new at this poetry thing, and still trying to find my muse, or let my muse find me!. I've written two chapters on my novel!. So trying a little more structured style!.
A word of explanation!. This is about someone I love, but not in a sexual or amorous way!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
There is a lot of great thoughts being expressed here in poetic form!. Some critiques: Stanza 2: eliminate one of the "shyly", probably L2!. Stanza 3: 2 "nevers" too close!. The poem as a whole is well said, original in areas and expresses feeling!. My compliments!. If you want to give yourself a challenge, try to write this using metaphors and other poetic devices to convey the message!. Like writing a script, editing brings out the gem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is quite definitely poetry in a meaningful and straightforward style!. I love the compassionate energy of this poem, and find it very engaging!. I agree that it would be an improvement to omit the first use of the word "shyly"!. I also agree that using the word "best" three consequetive times is too much- just needs a touch of editing there!. For the most part, however, this is a wonderful effort!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Beautiful, very descriptive and you can really feel the emotion of the poem!. Imagery is the term I'm thinking of!. You can picture every stanza, every sentence really!.
I don't know what amorous means though!. Can't wait to see what your novel is like if this only a few paragraphs!.
I also don't get while people don't like poetry if it's good like this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Not only does it come close, you are holding hands with it!. Some of the comments above are very valid!. As for me, I say only, avoid EWD (Excessive Word Disorder, the new poets' disease)!. Eliminate any words that do not contribute to the strength of the poem!. It is a pleasure reading your contributions!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow this is a great poem full of love and emotions of all loves little and big!.Your poem is fantastic and hope to see more from you!.Very nice Warren!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The only thing I had seen while reading, Neon had just mentioned!.!.!.about taking out one of the shyly's in the second stanza!. I really enjoyed it, good job on this!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nicely said, shows the growth and depth of love!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is poetry in structure and style!. its beautifully written!. the first "shyly" needs to disappear: "we draw each other nearer, an embrace,"!.
the word best is overused: best served, best only, best left, and all within five lines!. the second "best" could be changed to read "better" without affecting meaning or the last "best" could be left out entirely, it is redundant as it stands!.
beware of repetition!.
i read this three times, once out loud, and it really sounds good!
try reading aloud to feel the flow of the words and the meter!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
good! excellent!.!.
repetition is fine!. It can add impact!. but its use can also be redundant!.
below I have edited out both " "each other" and the second "shyly"!. You will notice that I have also removed "And" from the last line in that stanza!.
Just to b e picky!.!.
I would also suggest you take a second look at the necessity of all the punctuation!. Perhaps the emotion and the beauty of the words are all that is required!.!.
I think this is a very special poem!.!. You have handled tenderness with tenderness!. Bravo!
I reach out to touch your hand
we draw shyly nearer an embrace
our eyes meetWww@QuestionHome@Com
I would take out the first line completely - the whole point of the form of poetry you are attempting is to give a description to emotions that are beyond definitions, hence the use of metaphors!. also, you should refrain from exagerations in your descriptions!. One rule you should not avoid - don't give us an elaborate description if your heart is not in it!. Write it out on paper first, then rework it til it becomes an honest rendering of your emotions!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yes, Warren, you have been lured into the world of poetry -- but it will make your prose stronger!.
IMO, slightly edited to:
I reach out to touch your hand!.
We draw each other shyly nearer,
an embrace!.
Love comes in many forms!.
A father loves his child,
a husband, his wife!.
But it’s not always that clear!.
And our eyes shyly meet!.
This gives you the continuation and the intrigue of possibilities!.
But, it is only an opinion!. The poem is excellent without any change!.
T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com