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Question: Please anal-lies(analyse) my poem!?
"Become Another"
Keep your eyes half open, and
Just listen with one ear!.
Block out evil tongues, but
Bless the one who brought them here!.
Say that all is well, as you
Repeat their constant lullaby;
Kiss the ugly faces that will
Feed you yet another lie!.
Make yourself a number, and
Ignore the words you cannot say!.
Fall within the crowd, and
Lose yourself the easy way!.
Come back in the end, I'll ask:
"So, was it all worthwile!?"
"Oh, yes!." You'll state!. Don't hesitate
To flash your programmed smile!.
What message do you recieve, and what lines need work!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
My first advice is to avoid taking advice from anyone who identifies himself merely as a gas, and an inert one at that!. The capitalization of the first letter of each line is a time-honored tradition!. Those who suggest breaking with tradition are probably communists!. And he needs an enigma because he's constipated!.
My second bit of advice is to follow the old rubric, "i" before "e" except after "c!." I hope that you receive this in the spirit in which it is meant!.
And now to the poem itself: It seems to be a paean, albeit ironic, to deceit, dissembling, and hypocrisy!. My only caveat is that this dastardly irony seemingly dismisses these behaviors as undesirable!. Sirrah! I take umbrage with your cavalier rejection of these virtues!. They are the very glue which binds the fabric of our society together!. It is only the tenderness of your years which permits me to forgive such a heinous rejection of life's more subtle virtues!.
To your credit, however is the felicitous reworking of platitudes, old saws, and cliches, which lubricates the wheels of insincere discourse!.
In accordance with proper protocol, this work has been brought to the attention of The Board of Directors of the Poetry Section, Division of Adolescent Arrogance and Jejune Hubris!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It sounds like a person who does not like to complain!. I find myself doing it!. When asked that question - I'll say fine - just so I will not have to explain unnerving situations that will make me upset just to repeat them!. To live through a unpleasant ordeal is one thing - to have to tell it to another is to relive it!. Some things are just not worth it!. ?Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is very good!.
I really like the natural syncopated ryhthm!. Very very nice!.!.!.
I got the whole "joining the rat race" vibe from it!. As in, go on then, be a good boy and lose all your individuality and blend in with all of the other societal automatons!.!.!.
I wouldn't change a stroke, it's really good work!.
Keep writing!.!.!.more please!.!.!.
(",)
D!.
ps!. Giving you a star for this one!.!.!.
Well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
To me, one of your best you have posted!. Get rid of the caps on the left though, Word automatically does it when you type, unfortunately!. I would suggest working on a different title, something enigmatic!. My compliments!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!. The imagery was there for sure!. I had no problem getting involved in the poem!. I understood the message perfectly!. I don't think there was anything wrong with it, it pulled me in right away!. You have a gift!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
A good message, "To thy own self be true"
Well penned, Can feel your joy!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nice start with the first quatrain but it devolves quickly into mere anger against another!.
The pattern and form of phrases like!.!.well!.!."ugly", "make yourself a number", "programmed smile" and both typical of mere adolescent agnst and typical " young rebel" ideology!.
Cliché!.!.!.
IMHO try!.!.!.
Keep your eyes half open, as you
Listen, silent, with just one ear!.
Block out the evil tongues,
Blessing the one who brought them here!.
Saying that all is well, as you
Repeat the constant lullaby;
Kissing ugly faces that
Feed on yet another lie!.
Make just a number, by
Ignoring words you cannot say!.
Fall within the crowd, is
Losing you is the easy way!.
Come back in the end, I'll ask:
"So, was it all !.in time worthwhile!?"
"Oh, yes!." you'll state, "Don't hesitate"
To flash, suffragette, in programmed smiles!.
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Remember a poem is merely a song with out music!. It must match tempo, timing and harmonies!.
The reader doesn't care about your pain, merely theirs!. If you want them to feel for you !.!.!.feel for them!.!.Not in empathy but in describing things in ways that do not invoke you!.!.!.except as a metaphor
also!.!.SPELL CHECK!.!.!. Why spoil the image of your intelligence!? If you don't care about your art why should anyone else!?
And remember!.!.!.Poetry leads to a bitter old age!. Too much beauty too soon!.!.!.and life rewards you with endless time to ruminate!.
MNSWww@QuestionHome@Com