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Question: How can I improve my poem!?
I see a man!.!.!.outside on a lawn!.
He is fat
He is greasy
He is hairy!.
!.!.!. Dirty in his own rightful sense!.!.!.
And this--
!.!.!.this awful familiarity breeds contempt
Deep within my withered soul
As I write this ballad of my own torment!.
I see my own mortality in those leaves
as they make a small, symbolic nosedive towards the lawn
Then shuffled like a herd into a paper bag!.!.!.
!.!.!.the bag that would be their coffin!.
It is at this very moment my shift at Burger King starts!.
As I punch in, I feel Whopper Jr!. with cheeses punching my soul!.
My thoughts stay with the leaves!.
Is this done in some futile attempt to stay sane!?
Is this just coincidence!?
Or is there more to it!?
The leaves will rot in their coffin!.
Pale moonlight will shine on dead roses!.
They shall never escape the thorned clutches of their papery captor!.
Somehow, I feel I must say something about this!.
I tell my supervisor about these happenings
!.!.!.my pleas for the helpless leaves fall on deaf earsWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Truly Kenny, you are not only GREAT, but brilliant also!.
No joke, I loved it!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yeah, OK, very nice!. Now, can I get a Whopper with cheese, King sized with fries, annnndddddd uhhhhhhhhhhh make it a pepsi for the drink!.!.!.!. You don't have pepsi, just coke!? (Man that sucks) OK make it a coke, and I also need a kids meal cheeseburger plain with Hi C for the drink!. Yeah!.!.!. and throw in a coupla cherry pies too!. It's for a girl!. Yeah, I need the toy for a girl!. OK thanks!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I LIKE IT !.If you want you can leave out the; He is and just let it be fat,greasy,hairy!.!.later If anything I'll edit!.!.!.!.!.!.Still it is your work Do you like it!?///Blessings YahooWww@QuestionHome@Com
Gotta say, it's one of your more poignant poems!. HOWEVER, I do have a few small critical points to make and a few questions to ask!.
1!. You cannot be soft in a manly way!. Just, can't!.
2!. What did your supervisor say about your feelings!?
3!. How can thinking about leaves keep you sane!? How!? How!?
4!. What does pale moonlight shining on roses have to do with anything!?
5!. The papery captor isn't thorn ed!. The roses are!. So this!.!.!.makes!.!.!.no!.!.!.SENSE!.
But now I will tell what is very good!.
1!. Whopper Jr!. with cheeses punching my soul!.----VERY GOOD
2!. Or is there more to it!?----VERY GOOD
3!. Dirty in his own rightful sense!.---PRETTY GOOD (there's no sense in being dirty though)
that's all!. hope i helped FOREVER!. The end!.Www@QuestionHome@Com