Position:Home>Poetry> Critique this poem? PLEASE?
Question: Critique this poem!? PLEASE!?
Truthful and serious and helpful answers would be good!. =)
Look, i'm only thirteen, so don't be so hard on me, but i can accept criticsm!.
By the way, this is for school!. Not, that this detail is that important!.!.!.!.
Breeze of the sea
She sees the mellow melancholy Breeze of the sea!.
It reveals itself; shaking palms with no mercy,
sending a rattling can hurtling down the boardwalk:
pulling the Ocean, further and further away!.
She hears the mellow melancholy Breeze of the sea!.
It cries to her, singing sad songs of despair,
like-
trapped maidens atop a tower, there gaunt faces, so hollow!.
longing for one last prince!.
She smells the mellow melancholy Breeze of the sea!.
It entices her, filling her weak lungs with salt taffy-
the Ocean spray speckling her dress,
her face, her thinning hair!. She smells like-
salt water taffy, like the Ocean!.
She feels the mellow melancholy Breeze of the sea!.
It reaches to her frail body, thrusts
foamy Waves of fury,
one darker after the other!.
They grab her toes,
her ankles,
her legs!.
then, she is-
Gone!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
its really good! Seriously! Although there r 1 or 2 bits that i think could be improved, not by words, but with punctuation 2 create!.!.!.a poem that reflects is subject in the way u read it!. Does that make sense!?
Anyway, u know that mellow melancholy Breeze part!. well, unless u wanted it 2 b read like that, eg!. all in one go, I think there should b a comma between the mellow and the melancholy like:
that mellow, melancholy Breeze
I think that this makes the line seem a bit more like wot its describing, u know!?
And also, the part where it foes
!.!.!.singing songs of despiar,
like-
trapped maidens!.!.!.
Well this could be improved with a colon 2 improve the flow coz the 'like-' makes it seem a bit!.!.!.less important and breaks up the line structure!.
I think it chould b:
!.!.!.singing songs of despair:
trapped maidens!.!.!.
coz it makes it sound like the Breeze is almost, I don't know!.!.!.encapsulating the singing of despair ect ect!. U know!?
and the other little dashy, line thingy on the
then she is-
gone
i don't think that should b there, I think it should either b a comma or an elipse, eg!. a !.!.!. (three dots) if u do chose the three dots i think it will give that part a more despairing/sad/emotion ring, like its detatched from the rest!. I think that would enhance it, but u may not!.
THESE R ONLY SUGGESTION!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think it's good but in the part where you say further and further away, i think the correct way to say that is farther and farther away, it just sounds better
but it's really good, i'm fourteen and when i write poems they always end up having some child humor in them for some reasonWww@QuestionHome@Com
I would reccomend taking out the part in the 3rd stanza that says she smells like salt water taffy like the ocean i would just leave it at her face , her thinning hair then go to the next stanza otherwise this poem was really good and amazing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is good, just the bit about the salt water taffy, maybe just salt would work better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
what does it mean!? is it literally written!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Arey vao!! great!.!.!.plz!.!. go on writing like this only!.!.u r full of talent dont waste it!.!.and by the way ur poem was brilliant!.!.!.well done!.!.!.!.i am sure u will succeedWww@QuestionHome@Com
it's really great
just!.!.!.
like-
trapped maidens atop a tower, there gaunt faces, so hollow!.
longing for one last prince
i really don't get that part
maybe instead of:
it enticed her, filling her lungs with salt taffy-
something like:
it entices her, filling her lungs with with the salty taste of regret
and
her face, her thinning hair!. She smells like-
salt water taffy, like the ocean
something like:
her face, her smile, her thinning hair
she has the taste of remorce and the smell of despair
and lastly
instead of
then, she is-
gone
maybe someting like:
she reaches to live
but she eventually gives up hope
so she lets the ocean take her away
never to be seen again
also, for me personally, i don't like to use punctuation in poetry!. but that's just me
I love that poem, it is awsomeWww@QuestionHome@Com
To be honest I wish I could have written a poem this good when I was ur age but heres my comments:
1) the idea of the senses are great but it would be even better if u could include taste
2) the use of the word taffy in stanza 3 is kind of abused,(salt taffy and salt water taffy are basically saying the same thing) teachers generally don't like seeing the same words over again especially in the same stanza so close together!.!.!.see if u can find a synonym
3)the mellow melancholy repetition is a good idea in my view!.!.!.!.i forgot what that is called where two orre more words
starting with the same letter come next to each other!.!.!.but is great and keeps focus on the theme
4)the suspense in the end is also a good way to keep readers guessing (but i prefer happy endings)
5) just because my comments were good doesn't mean that a teacher would find ur poem good also !.!.!.!.!.!.trust me, english teachers ALWAYS find faults in ur work, period, so get as much help as possible and make as many improvements as needed
6) if u intend to publish ur poem in a book u shouldn't put it out in the public like this, someone can steal i and take credit for ur work!.!.!.!.next thing u know ur poem ends up in a book with sum1 elses name!.!.!.be careful
hope i helped!.!.!.good luckWww@QuestionHome@Com