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Position:Home>Poetry> Please Read My Short Poem "Old"?Question: Please Read My Short Poem "Old"!? "Old"
His eyes shoot out like pipecleaners, His skin is wrinkled now!. His world is shaking, Wonder waking, Lost among the crowd!. The light shines, but hhe doesn't see, The voices dimly glow!. They swing the knfe And end his life; He's just a potato!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I am as impressed with the poem as much as I am amused at the uselessness of the above comments!. They just don't get how funny this is!. Not only is the last line a complete surprise, when I read the last word it seemed better to stress the first and third syllables - and that made it sound even funnier!. My only suggestion is to limit "hhe" to just one H!.Www@QuestionHome@Com His eyes shoot out like pipecleaners, (pipecleaners is not the best word!. you can replace it with something equally revealing, but that which promotes nice rhythm) His skin is wrinkled now!. (you can replace 'is' with a more meaningful verb) His world is shaking, Wonder waking, Lost among the crowd!. The light shines, but hhe doesn't see, The voices dimly glow!. They swing the knfe And end his life; He's just a potato!. (the comparison is okay, it's just not to pleasing when you read it aloud!. you can rephrase it or replace the word!. it's up to you!. well, no poem is perfect!. goodluck!)Www@QuestionHome@Com OK, so at first i read: "his eyes shoot out like pipecleaners!." I was like, what in the world, huh!? then i got to the knife part, which made even less sense, but when i read "he's just a potato", i laughed and it all made sense :-)!. So i think it is a fine poem, a little off base, but fine!. One more thing though, I don't really think "pipecleaner" is the best simile!. The eyes of a potato aren't really fuzzy like pipecleaners!.Www@QuestionHome@Com use a few better words for comparison His eyes are sunk so low you would never know if he could see you His skin is wrinkled now!. sagging all the way the way he sways, as if he's abt to fall The light shines bright , but he cant see right, the voices he speaks are inaudible to ears They swing the knfe And end his life; and end his painful lifeWww@QuestionHome@Com I think it is very different, but I'm a strong proponent of different!. The only thing i don't like are the last three, i guess sentences!. Especially the potato part, it ruins the poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Funny, the last line though has flow issues!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |