Position:Home>Poetry> This is a poem i wrote a while ago, please read and give feedback!?
Question: This is a poem i wrote a while ago, please read and give feedback!!?
Another dreaded day I walk to school,
With my girlfriend by my side,
Hand in hand we love each other!.
With People Darting Looks at us,
Looks of Hatred,
Looks of Disgust!.
We have been exiled from our lives,
Forced to live like outcasts,
We try to live as ‘normal’ people,
But we are different, we can’t deny it!
We are insulted,
And we are hurt!.
And why!?
We must have done some terrible wrong!
But no, we didn’t, we are just different!.
Because hand in hand we love each other,
But that isn’t in their definition of love,
For I am a woman,
And I love another!.
We are objects of disgust, of intrigue,
They hate us not for evil, But for love!
The most beautiful thing in this world!
We did nothing, we have not murdered,
We have not tortured,
We have not raped!.
They detest us for our love!
The pain of repulsion never leaves,
It echoes in my head, tormenting my soul!.
Hand in Hand we love each other,
And that should be enough,
For me,
For you!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
How facinating!!! I never thought of it that way!. What a mature look on something like that a such an age!. Peculiar because for the first half of the poem I was thinking of my own life with eyes getting bigger and bigger then I read the "I love another woman" and realized that you were speaking about homosexuality!. I'm quite astonished as the first bit seemed to fit so closely that I feel like you've changed my outlook on this!. VERY VERY well done! All this time I fought and fought against homosexuals and you've gone and soothed my head to greater understanding!. Excellent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very passionate and goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
Let me begin with this!.!.!. it is not a bad poem, but like most poems it could use some editing!. One thing I would look into re-working the ending!. The poem begins with "us" and "we" and it gives strong statements without much figurative language!. This is your poem's core, I believe and it provides an implicit protest of homophobia whereas the latter half of the poem focuses on the individual and uses unnecessarily complex imagery!. It's pretty language and very descriptive, but it begins to stray from the concrete and justified angst of the beginning and starts to read like generic song lyrics!. Perhaps the latter half would be best taken as a poem by itself and not tethered to the upper work!. All in all though, I enjoyed it and I appluad you for tackling not only a very polarizing subject matter, but attempting it with no personal experience to draw from (except that suffering and exclusion are universal to the human condition)!. Think about some editing and revision and keep on writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think that could apply to MANY situations, not just yours!. It hits home with me and I am neither a lesbian, nor a woman!.
Perhaps you could remove the one line that identifies your situation specifically so more people could easily relate!. There are lots of people out there who choose love in unconventional forms!.
I say good for you for not letting outside influences affect your love for another!.Www@QuestionHome@Com