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Question: Another poem to rate/critique!.!.!.!?
Here goes!. :) Please edit, or lecture me about line placements!. I wasn't sure about the title (i might change it) or where to place the breaks!. I'll leave that to you!.!.!.
Leaving You
I reached for you, tried to grab your hand,
You pulled away, couldn't understand!.
That you could have saved me from this fate,
You noticed my tears so much too late!.
I needed you to save me from myself,
To rearrange the pain I was dealt!.
When I was with you, all made sense!.
Clearer, magnified as if by lens!.
'Til the focus shifted to her, not me!.
Preoccupied, changed, you couldn't see!.
I wanted to hold you one last time,
To share a love long ago made mine!.
Blind, you never noticed I was gone,
Bled to death, scared, to your favorite song!.
Please don't tell me not to be suicidal!. It is a METAPHORICAL death!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Compared to your other poems this poem is a deficiency in your pure talents expelled!. It slanders your past prodigious displays of rhythm!. I could tell you excessively stressed a lot of your rhymes to make them work!. If I had never read any of your other poetry, I would critique this poem as a good beginners poem that amateurs write while learning, and understanding the best words to use in this art!.
It's not that you didn't use "good", solid words, it's that they didn't find a place as well as they should have with in your sentences!.
I was also dragged through this poem, like your other one, but this time, I got bored of the arrangement all too soon!. I've read worse poems, by the thousands!. This one is not horrible more like idyllic!.
Don't let my criticism bring you down!. This poem was heart felt and showed your feelings, but not as stupendously as your other poetry does!.
If you can tell one of your poems is not suitable for critiquing, put it to the side!. One part of learning to write poetry is coming up with your own ideas, adding flavor to your style, you can do this by writing, anything, dumb, or unbelieveable, as long you get something from it, and than afterwards not being afraid of throwing it away, or putting it to the side!. When writing this kind of put-it-to-the-side poetry, you want to tell yourself 'this poem does not need to be critiqued to help me grow as a poet!."
5!.8/10Www@QuestionHome@Com
between lines 8-9 it gets sort of vague for me!. the lens made you see everything more clearly but then you speak of the same lens that 'he' is using to focus on her!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I understand!. Very inpressive, keep it comeing!. I think line 4 needs clarifying though!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Lol! i think its great! the reader sort of knows what its about!! but at the end still isn't quite sure!!
i love it!!!!!
xWww@QuestionHome@Com
I love it!!! Great job!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
trythfully i like this better than the other one,Www@QuestionHome@Com
i shaved my balls yesterday shuld i but vaseline on them or aftershave stuff do stop any friction!?Www@QuestionHome@Com