| Question Home |
Position:Home>Poetry> Con-Crit for my Poem?Question: Con-Crit for my Poem!? Mostly I just want a little con-crit on a poem I wrote not so long ago!.
Poetry is perhaps my weakest area in Literacy, so please do not be too harsh!. I'm only 16 and don't write much poetry at all!. Long replies are LOVED, but a fleeting comment is just as nice!. http://www!.freewebs!.com/ourcigarettes/to!.!.!. Thanks!. Aimee!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: impressive for a 16 year old! wow! Great imagery!. And I am very evil and knit-picky with my college friends' poetry!. ok here's the obligatory harsh (although it really is great)rundown line by line: We smoked cigarettes in our secret places, *you could get rid of "our" to make it more succint, but then again "our" sets us up for a nice little paralleled structure in the next line/ you go from ours to your in the next line* drunk wine in the vineyard outside of your home, *it should be drank rather than drunk!. also why is there a vineyard outside of the house!? or rather, give us more of a sense of location in few words!. ie outside your parent's house!?* from disposable cups of florescent colors, *"from flourescent disposable cups" would be more succint and also it creates alliteration* thinking ourselves too old for our skins!. *nice idea, but why word choice of "our skins"!? skins I think brings to mind animal pelts, which i don't think goes with the rest of the poem!. skin would be more effective, but I still think you could come up with something less poetic (and therefore more effective and less affective) which would also mirror the ironic lack of sophistication to be found in drinking wine from plastic cups!. We watched black and white movies on Sundays, considering ourselves akin to some timeless romance, but we were roadrunner and whylie coyote, always running in fear of falling to hard!. ***** Something akward about word "akin" in this stanza!.!.!. what if you changed it to "considering our romance reminiscent of ____ list some old movie actress/ reference a movie___!. Roadrunner and Wylie Coyote are capitalized I think!. I might change this allusion-- maybe something to do with film classics!? i don't know!. maybe this is better!. ******** We found common ground in clumsiness, slipping up on words we meant like 'I love you', grinning to wide for our situation, thinking too highly of ourselves and our smiles!. ** I like this part a lot it should be "too" wide for our situation!.!.!. the last line of this stanza could be more visual/ convey a more literal meaning; I think it would convey more to reveal that you thought too highly of yourselves by saying you thought too highly of a more tangible object, like love notes or something!. ***** We celebrated birthdays in bed, making tents of our sheets and imitating red Indians, a sanctuary where abstract thought could be devised, without hindrance from the geometric world outside!. *** Honestly, I might just cut this section out, or somehow bring it before the smoking/drinking part!. Its confusing because there is this return to childhood that kind of interupts this whole struggle to be an adult and then the revelation of a lost childhood/growing up too fast at the very end!. *** We spent summer's inside of brick houses, afraid of the sun and what it might reveal, thick, dusty beams of light showed glimpes of you, a nose pinnocio would have been envious of!. **** "summers" instead of summer's the third and fourth line once again don't really make sense to me in the context of the rest of your poem!. maybe if you said the light would reveal lines your faces, etc!. it would make more sense!. **** We did spring cleaning in winter time, polished the good china and wedding silver of ancient dust, wondering where the years had escaped to, and how we had aged ten years to fast!. ***** "too" instead of "to" in final line why was spring cleaning done in winter time!? i'm afraid i didn't get this literary allusion!. ***** We parted early august four years ago, when you offered me two sugars with my morning tea, in your eyes I saw a vacant sign hanging idle, helpless as the ferryman shipped your mind to purgatory!. **** interesting allusions, very poetic here, but I don't think they really make the end of the poem resolve the first part/ ie the ferryman symbolism really doesn't have much to do with the theme of the rest of the poem!. Sure it brings to mind death, but why purgatory!? also, the line about two sugars in my morning tea seems unnecessary/ i don't think the symbolism is very clear here!. it seems age has pulled them apart/ changes in appearance, so what does the two sugars have to do with this!? could be more cohesive!. *** overall, despite my criticism, I think this poem is excellent, and that you have TONS of potential!. I could see you getting published once you get out of college!. nice stuff!!!! You should consider in at least minoring in english/ creative writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Oh honest Aimme, That is one of the most superb poems I have read in here in a very ,very long time!. I think it is Excellent!. It drew me right in!.And being from the 60s!.!.!.i felt at home!.NOT sure thats a good thing!.!.!.but I felt at home!. again Superb!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |