Critique this half-poem pleaaaase?

Question: Critique this half-poem pleaaaase!?

My pool of sadness,
Desolate, and too great to mend,
It's driving me to madness,
I'm going off the deep end!

I'm drowning in the slaughter,
The beat of my own heart,
The blood-bath of insanity,
The hurtful rain of darts!.

Planning on adding a few more stanzas once I figure out what exactly this needs to be about!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I love this poem already!. You have an amazing talent for writing, emotional, and short, condensed stanzas!.
The only word that I don't think fits in to well, is mend!.
I know you can mend a pool, but it's not something I automatically think of as being in poem!. I don't think it is something that needs to be changed, because it's not that drastic of curve, but read it to yourself with fresh mind and see if you get a little tasseled at the word mend!.
I like how you made the emotional message into a metaphorical physical expression!. You must be a long time writer!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

It could be more powerful if you examined the source of the speaker's "sadness" in your poem!. Maybe that can be your subject!. It is very general right now, on the surface!. You've got to give it layers-dig deeper into your theme and try to rely less on rhyme and more on word content!. If you leave it this way, it sounds like a case of teen angst when it could be much more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

sounds kind out or rhythm, be deep noce and deep!.

try this for your last few lines

why why must these pool of sadness pressure me so

for the pressure of my sadness bleeds me so all i that is left!. is t rain of bleeding!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Dark, mysterious, I like it!. I can easily see this put to music!. Good job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com