A tragic poem. Did I get the right feeling for it.?

Question: A tragic poem!. Did I get the right feeling for it!.!?

"so cold"

When i feel I'm bigger,
I know I'm just the same!.
No way, cannot imagine,
a hearts not beating done!.

This knot in my stomach,
you're barely breathing now!.
Hands that feel so damn cold,
we kiss, this final time!.

We have all bled before,
it heals and goes away!.
You say it's just a scratch,
but I see through that ruse!.

Are we at the moment,
did you promise not to try!.
Strange, I hear the traffic,
and my future life is gone!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

the poem is alright!.!.!.!.

the first stanza seems not well connected to the rest of the poem and doesn't give the reader a sense of tragedy or pending doom!.

and while the rest has decent leanings as to how one feels when seeing someone die in front of them (which i have), it needs a little more intensity and more color/descriptive language!.

If this is someone you love!.!.!.!. there is FEAR (losing them, being alone, even the sight of blood or injuries); there is HELPLESSNESS and CONFUSION (a lot less 'thinking' about things, more gut reaction)!.!.!. and there is PAIN for what they feel, for the void that is created as they go!.!.!. its like being having the wind knocked out of you when someone punches you in the stomach!.

I think you have a good start!.!.!. the basic framework is there!.

Good luck with it!.

ciaoWww@QuestionHome@Com

Wow, strong last words!. "My future life is gone" Sad words to say!.!.!. Very good and tragic poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hi mabey u should change ur name to happpy happy prince and things might change !.!.!.hehe i just joking with u trying to make u laugh happy happy prince !.!.!.he he im going to keep on calling u that u knowWww@QuestionHome@Com

kind of insightful but, not like ur usual deep stuff (sigh)

I've been going through a drought too but, I liked it just the same

Pen On DP!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Is good, but no sad vibration in it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com