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Question: New poem-plz critique!?
i could use a good title!. plz, if you think a line is a bit wordy (a few are, i know, but this is rough) plz help me change it
thx in advance
Untitled
By Georgia Hammond
Through the trees, across the dirt
He could not draw a breath
Creeping towards immoral’s clutch
A silent march to death
Echoes could now be heard from up
Upon that darkened hill
Cries of those who died bravely
And cheers for a brave kill
Warm sweat now lied between two friends:
The man and his cold gun
He longed to run away, escape
But knew what must be done
He screamed and ran to the battle
The cry did not go on
One among many nameless men
That, thanks to war, is goneWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
i really like this, even as a member of our armed forces!. George Washington once said" the soldier above everyone else prays for peace" there could never have been a truer statement!. there may be a good title within that!. also as far as critique goes; the only thing that i would consider revising would be the end!. remember that names are just that, a string of letters put together to give a title!. a Face really makes a person!. this poem is a personal poem!., I would change nameless to faceless!. also, the tone that you have set for the rest of the poem is broken at the end when you write"thanks to war" given the somber nature of the rest of the work you have now added a satirical piece at the end!. Simply saying"to the war is gone" would keep in line with the rest of the tone of the writing!. this may very well be your intentions!. However in my "opinion" that point sticks out!. other than that, i really enjoyed reading it!.!.!.!.!.good luck and i hope that helps a little!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good rhythm, cool theme!. Cliched rhyming words, but I like how you weaved the plot into them!. It's not too wordy, though this part -
"Cries of those who died bravely
And cheers for a brave kill"
The first line seems a little awkward when read out!. But that might be just me [!]
Giving titles are always the hardest!.
Hmm!. I have, unfortunately, run out of brain juice!. Try picking a title that focuses on the war which sacrifices thousands of men, or basically the 'moral' of the poem!. Or you could just name the poem 'Sally'!.
Luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really like it
I tend to be funny about poetry I like it to paint a picture in my mind and yours does
Now for the title Maybe something like No turning back or A Soldiers Plight or Requiem anyway just some thoughts
But I must say again I really like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
!) Nameless soldierWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!
sounds professionalWww@QuestionHome@Com