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Question: You may probably like the idea(or not)!.!.!.but whats lacking!?
I will catch these silver clouds,
And set them around me for eternity,
Lock away in their fluffy vapours
The memories of this magical moment,
And these tears of joy
That are stumbling my lashes
Every wisp of a soft scented breeze
Would unlock them,
Let fall their sweet crystal drops
To my face as delight
And just like little wet dimples
on scorched summer sand
By the first few drops of the monsoon rains,
Would set on me
A spark of thousand goosebumps
Would blossom me,make me a girl,
Keep me fallen in love,
Just like right now,
this very second!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.with you
Forever and everWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Your words are VERY nice, but what's lacking is a complete idea, especially for the last stanza!. WHAT would be "just like wet dimples on sand!?" This makes the work a bit unsatisfying!.
The phrase "just like" sets up a comparison, and the rest of the stanza sets up a nice image on one side of the equasion (just like the first drops of monsoon rain would set off goosebumps, etc!.) , but then there's nothing to compare it to!.
Probably the easiest way to fix this problem is to just drop lines 11-13, and change "Would" to "To" in line 14!.
(A different alternative might be preferable, as I personally like lines 11-13 as an image, being from a state that gets monsoons!.!.!.)
also, there's some strange syntax-- "stumble my lashes" and "blossom me" sound particularly strange to me!.
Nice work overall, though!. I think this poem has great potential!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I don't think that it's lacking anything!.
I liked the part about goosebumps settling on you after a rain and blossoming you!.!.!.
One of the better love poems I've seen on Yahoo!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
very nice u almost made me feel the love ;), nah i truthfully liked it, lovely jubblyWww@QuestionHome@Com