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Question: STORY, kinda long and not sure if its all spelled right but what do you think!? Tips welcome(dont be to harsh=)
Akira, was shoved in to a dark damp room that smelled of mold and something rotting, she tripped over the chains that were hooked to her hands and her feet!. She fell and landed hard on the stone floor splitting open the skin on her elbows!. She heard the door slam shut and silence settled over the room, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply trying to find the strength to rise but then some one from behind her grabbed her arm, she jerked away and scrambled back as fast as she could!.
The person came out in to what little light there was and she saw that it was a young man about eighteen, he also had chains but his hooked to a ring on the wall “I wont hurt you” he said in a whisper!.
He spoke in her language but it was strange to her ears because of his heavy accent making it hard for her to understand but she got what he said!. She had to swallow several times before she could speak “w-whats going on!? Why are we here!?”
he moved back and leaned on the wall “I don't understand, please speak slower” He slid down until he was sitting and propped his arms on his knees!. She crawled closer and sat a few feet away from him, she grabbed the chain around her wrists as an example and said “Why!?”
the young man understood, he said something in a strange language but then pieced it together in her language so she could understand “!.!.!.slave!?!.!.!.yes, we are made to be slaves here”
She heard of slavers, men that burned villages and towns and took the people for slaves but they did so much more then just take slaves, they murdered more then half of her village!. Tears brimmed over her eyes and spilled on to her cheeks as she remembered all the screams and seeing all the faces of every one she knew filled with such pain and fear,seeing all the blood and watching the houses burn as she was dragged away kicking and fighting!.
The pain on her back was all to real for her, she remembered the whip cutting in to her skin and the sharp agonizing pain, she couldn't even understand what they were saying so she didn't know why she was being whipped!. She had passed out by the seventh strike and woke up in the arms of a woman from her village!.
She turned her face away trying to stop the memory of the woman falling from the cliff, trying to look away from her face!. The woman had slipped and fell when they were made to walk on a steep mountain path but every one was chained to eachother so no one could help her and the slavers didn't even give a second look!.
The young man broke in to her thoughts “Whats your name!?”
she had to think for a minute, it had been so longs since she heard her own name “My name is Akira, I came from the village of Bright”
the young man repeated it to him self then said “my name is Braze, I come from a land far from here”
Akira listened to him speak and drew back in fear” You speak in there language! You are one of them!!”
Braze looked at her then to the floor “I am from there country yes, but one of them no!. They don't only take people from other places, they take slaves from there own people as well”
“How do you know to speak like me!?” she asked trying making it easy for him to understand
“I have been a slave for many years and have come to know other slaves from this place, they have taught me as much as they could but I still don't know how to speak very well”!.
She moved a little closer “I will teach you my speech if you teach me yours” he looked surprised “why would you want to know my speech!?”
she rolled her shoulders and a jolt of pain was sent through her body “So I know enough not to be whipped”


Braze' language for some reason came very easy to Akira, in only three weeks she could speak fluently with him and he already knew the basics to her language so in those first few days he could speak with out a mistake!. She found out that he was of noble blood but he would not say of what family and that he was ambushed while on a ride years ago!.
She told him it was the eve of her sixteenth birthday and in her village thats when a woman becomes a warrior but because of the raid she didn't get the Ceremony that gave her the right of passage!.
The weeks passed and they were left in the dark room with only moldy bread and water, finally her hope of being rescued faded until she felt like there was nothing left but the darkness!. !. !.

Akira, woke to the sound of the door scraping on the stone floor and rough hands jerking her to her feet “Up slave!” snarled the monster of a man that held her up, he was huge compared to her and had a face twisted in a permanent look of anger!. Another man unhooked Braze and pulled him up, Akira saw that her was tall like them but by far not as ugly, he had shoulder length black hair and deep green eyes, the light revealed that he was muscular from all the years of slave labor !.
“MOVE!”shouted the man in to Akira's ear!. He shoved her roughly out the door and in to the blinding light, she flailed her arms wildly hoping not to run in to anything and the man behind her pushing at every step didn't help any!. Finally Braze grabbed a hold of her arm and whispered “Be calm, your eyes will adjust” she fallowed him with her other hand over her eyes but after a few minutes her eyes did start to clear, immediately she wished they hadn't!.

All around were slaved like her, but these ones looked much worse!. They were all dressed in rags and filthy, all of them were covered in wounds and to her horror she saw that some had missing hands or patches over there eyes!. There were men on horses with long whips that they would use when a slave fell or moved to slowly, many slaves were even to weak to move and they just fell over and didn't rise!.
She saw some that were very sick and some that coughed up blood!.
She was shoved harder and fell to her knees, she looked around and saw that they had come to a tent with the flaps drawn back, a man sat at a richly decorated table with a dish of fruit by his side, there was a red carpet on the floor and in the back was a bed with pillows upon pillows covering it, a small table stood with incense burning giving off the smell of sweet wood!. Akira's mouth watered at the sight of the fruit but she didn't show how much she wanted it!. The man at the table looked up and smiled brightly at the two kneeling slaves!. He was like the other men but he had softer features that could change from happiness to anger in a flash, he was cleanly shaved and had cold blue eyes with slicked back black hair!. He was wearing a silver chest plate with black pants and a short red cape behind him, his arms were huge and his shoulders square like a warrior “So this is our new one ay!?”
he asked in a mocking voice “Did she enjoy her stay in the cell!?”!. The man behind Akira snorted but said nothing “What a lovely little thing she is” said the man as he of the tent and leaned over so he was face to face with Akira “I am Maxim, your new master!. Obey well and you will live” he turned his eyes on Braze “disobey and you will be punished severely” There eyes locked and ,Akira, felt an ice cold chill run through the air!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Definitely keep on going!.!.!.!. NEVER GIVE UP!!
here are some of my pointers/tips:

*Don't jump through emotions, e!.g Akira crying when she thinks of her town burning!. Try to explain more about how she was feeling so that the reader cam catch a glimpse of what it was like to be in her shoes at that moment!. Pehaps you can say she had tears in her eyes, so that it seems that she had already cried so much, no more tears were left!.
*How did the lady fall, if they were all linked together!?
*'Village of Bright' is a great name, but i think its a bit whimsical and fantasy-like, b/c the setting seems like it was long ago!.!. i believe!. the setting isn't described a lot
*'the moster of the man' brings about some humour to it, so perhaps mostrious man is a bit more serious
*3 weeks to speak fluently seems a bit unrealistic, even though they have all the time in the day to learn, its not that easy!. She would probably know enough to understand the whippers!.
*Spelling and grammar!.!. i saw some mistakes!.!. just edit,edit,edit!!

A very good story!.!.!.!. you're a strong writer!.!.!. just keep it up!. Some of the most greatest stories had to go through the same thing you go through as well!! keep goin at it!. My pointers are just some things i suggest in my point of view as the reader!.

P!.s !. don't post up your stories!.!. people can steal them!. I mean yours is really good, so i'd be worried if i were you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

its not 2 bad, i would buy the book, but i buy every book!.!.!. but its good, =) wtgWww@QuestionHome@Com

I LOVE IT!!!
A MILLION TIMES YES
BRAZE AND AKIRA SHOULD FALL INLOVE
WOW THIS IS GOOD!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it's great!. I think you should write more!. It would be perfect for a Social Studies/History class!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Try to make it more original there are already so many storys like thisWww@QuestionHome@Com

wow i need sparknotesWww@QuestionHome@Com

Personally it's not something I'd read but your details are good and it's pretty good!. There are a few grammar mistakes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

interesting, some grammatical mistakes, but otherwise, you're a great writer!!! if you ever get to publish it, i want to be the first one to get it!!! keep working on it! don't use too many complex and compound sentences, ok!? you should improve on your spelling and some of your sentences don't make sense, but otherwise!.!.!. great!!! brilliant!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

omigosh!.

that is so amazing!.!.

did you write that!?

if you did you should be an author!.!.

thats one awesome piece!.

and im not even kidding!. I like the beggining (the grabber)

i couldnt stop reading it! it was simpily amazing i tell you!Www@QuestionHome@Com