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Question: Poetry contest, I Can't decide!? Can you help!?
So I wrote these two poems for a youth poetry contest, which one do you like more and give ratings!?
That Late Night Ferry
It was all upon that late night ferry
The day, alas my dreams a dreaming
My love, alas, sailing with Mary
At midnight’s songs with whispers a’ weary
We passed the sea of dreams a’ gleaming
And sailed in oceans of endless fancies
It stretched the seas with waves of clamor
And warming, wreathing winds, of God Amor
“Mary”!. I whisper within the winds
My head, barely bobbing, begins to stammer
Upon the sepulcher of beloved Mary
The Living Stead
My paintbrush blends with the radiant sky
The blue texture is such a sight
Galloping stars secluded above high
Amiable clouds roam through light
Abruptly something set oddly tapping
The noise of chatter was of fair
Its beat I feel became strangely rapping
Bird with vibrantly colored hairWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's a tough question!.!.!.both have possibilities, both need work!. I'd say the second one flowed better and was less contrived than the first!. The second one still needs editing!.!.!.and some of the rhymes are very forced!. Here's what I'd suggest, because you're at that stage of poem development where you have the substance of it and all you need to do is take care of the rough corners!.!.!.so, have someone read it out loud to you that hasn't heard you read it out loud before!. Follow along on another copy of your poem and note where they stumble, or where the rhyme sounds painful, or where there seems to be one too many, or one too few beats!. You really can't do it by yourself because your brain will fill in and change the spots that aren't right!.!.!.so you need an unbiased reader to let you hear what "we" hear when we read your poem!. Don't stop the reader, don't correct them, they're giving you direct and brutally honest feedback!.!.!.just take notes and fix what you don't like!. This is a contest, and you'll only get one shot!.!.!.make it count!. You have good images and you just need to refine it!. One more thing!.!.!.birds don't have "hair"!.!.!.they have "feathers"!.!.!.and if you say "hair", you'll have to explain why it has hair instead of feathers!.!.!.the easiest fix would be to change the word "bird" to "animal", or an animal that has "hair"!. Changing the word "bird" would also remove the reference to that most famous of rapping, tapping birds, the Raven!.!.!.but still make reference to it!. Something to consider!.
!.!.!.keep writing, and edit this one a bit!.!.!.you'll be glad you did!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i love the late night farry its emotional passionate and full of romance mysteriest too!. its the best u get 1st place wow mind if i borrow it for a passing email its awesome sorry to get off topic PICK THAT ONEWww@QuestionHome@Com
i can't decide!!!! sry!!
They are both really good!
Excellent word choice!Www@QuestionHome@Com