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Question: HELP do u like this poem be honest!!?
The Separation of the Pieces Of Me!.!.!.
As I see the eyes of who I love I try not to cry as they close away from me!. My eyes have been torn from me, as if he were to be something dangerous to me!. My life is like an ongoing marathon never ending!. Running is what I depend on now, I have to vacuum me life up so no one sees my mistakes!. My life is now life a spiraling ovation!. That everyone that seems to applaud me is just there to get the credit for “being there for me” no one understands nor cares anymore!. ‘Cept for the one I love!. My life now turned into an overgrowing rollercoaster ready to throw myself away and go for something better just to numb the pain!. It’s like a snake; once it bites it does not just affect you in the spot where you were bit!. It affects all over!. You crumble and soon die!. I am at the point where I already got bit, I’m on my way to the doctor!. I pass away; there are now no pieces to remain of me for anyone to remember!. Now as I fade into the blackness I reach out to the some people they hold me straight the hommies that keep it real in the hood!. They be keeping me straight now I can’t breathe without speaking to one of ‘em!. Just keep’in it read bro!. My life is a piece of a puzzle that dosen’t fit!. I’m the only one on the block now!. The world seems to be shifting so I can’t stay normal!. Never was normal to begin with but if my life keeps My shadow says she’s so innocent; but when it comes down to it my life is pretty plain boring a broken girl with faded dreams! My life is never ending!. A waking tide not able to stop!. This is what the pieces put together this is why I am left so broken!. I am left only with my unknown shadowed dreams, broken and confused!. I am left her trampled on the floor waiting for someone to rescue me… Backing away from all that I already have known, my world crashing my planet becoming non existent!. As upon these days the life is now lingering as I am dying from loosing love from my parents!. They never seem to understand what I’ll go through!. Now the puzzle of my life never go’n be fixed! Its just back to the game of life for now I guess!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
oh my goodness! that was amazing! i loved it!. Its really heartwarming, and sweet!. Did u make this up!? well u have a furture then lol!.!. amazing!.!. ;]Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good, very interesting imagery, and an amazing play on words, but quite sad :(Www@QuestionHome@Com
naw to long lol i didnt get past the first line!.!.!.!. i think it would kind of make people bored!.!.!. no offense!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow that was sure diffrent hope you are not at that point!.!.
its good but could be shortened someWww@QuestionHome@Com
I got lost in the my's, I's, and me's!. Do a bit of editing to make it run together smoother and at more of a steady pace!. Add more interesting details and thicker description (incoporating more than just the eyes but other senses as well!.)
The general meat of the work is nice though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Honest Reply:
Your sentence structure, sentence flow, grammar and knowledge of punctutations is greatly needed in this piece!. Word meaning is something else I would take a look at!.
Your piece broken down by your own use:
The Separation of the Pieces Of Me!.!.!.
As I see the eyes of who I love I try not to cry as they close away from me!.
My eyes have been torn from me, as if he were to be something dangerous to me!.
My life is like an ongoing marathon never ending!.
Running is what I depend on now, I have to vacuum me life up so no one sees my mistakes!.
My life is now life a spiraling ovation!.
That everyone that seems to applaud me is just there to get the credit for “being there for me” no one understands nor cares anymore!.
‘Cept for the one I love!.
My life now turned into an overgrowing rollercoaster ready to throw myself away and go for something better just to numb the pain!.
It’s like a snake; once it bites it does not just affect you in the spot where you were bit!.
It affects all over!.
You crumble and soon die!.
I am at the point where I already got bit, I’m on my way to the doctor!.
I pass away; there are now no pieces to remain of me for anyone to remember!.
Now as I fade into the blackness I reach out to the some people they hold me straight the hommies that keep it real in the hood!.
They be keeping me straight now I can’t breathe without speaking to one of ‘em!.
Just keep’in it read bro!.
My life is a piece of a puzzle that dosen’t fit!.
I’m the only one on the block now!.
The world seems to be shifting so I can’t stay normal!.
Never was normal to begin with but if my life keeps My shadow says she’s so innocent; but when it comes down to it my life is pretty plain boring a broken girl with faded dreams!
My life is never ending!.
A waking tide not able to stop!. This is what the pieces put together this is why I am left so broken!. I am left only with my unknown shadowed dreams, broken and confused!.
I am left her trampled on the floor waiting for someone to rescue me… Backing away from all that I already have known, my world crashing my planet becoming non existent!.
As upon these days the life is now lingering as I am dying from loosing love from my parents!.
They never seem to understand what I’ll go through!.
Now the puzzle of my life never go’n be fixed!
Its just back to the game of life for now I guess!.
The EGO Stroke Reply:
(Which most prefer when asking for "Honest" opinions!.!.!.!.
Oh what a wonderful and beautiful piece!. You should publish it!. You are such a talented writer!.!.!.etc!.
Sam
PS: - There is a great difference in those who critique and those who "Ego Stroke"!. Those who critique will give you honest suggestions, and those who stroke your Ego will not!.
I suggest you take the time and reseach and learn about the different forms of expressive poety!.
The choice is yours!.
Honesty or Ego!.
SamWww@QuestionHome@Com