Position:Home>Poetry> Poem critique: Tripped, fell, and broke my heart?
Question: Poem critique: Tripped, fell, and broke my heart!?
one day i was walking by this tree
this tree was made for a lovers dream
i carried our love upon my back
and carried his heart in a sack
i saw him on the other side
walking with much pride in his stride
then suddenly, like a careless star
he tripped, fell, and broke my heart
we tried to pick up every piece
some were just out of reach
we searched the jaded grass till dusk
trying to find my pieces of lust
he apologized for being so careless
i became, steadily faithless
he soon grew tired and drifted a way
leaving me to hurt in my dismay
i found the other pieces of my heart
that had been torn apart
he had taken back his prize
and showed no remorse in his eyes
i shall never forget, even as the days grow dark
about the boy
who tripped, fell, and broke my heartWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I can relate this back to another song, "trippin' on a hole in a paper heart" by STP!. Again lol, this is very good!.
My critique!. Two suggestions, I might fix if I were you!. Perhaps try "one day i was walking by the tree!.!.!.!.!.
the tree made for a lovers dream"!. Just a thought, I think it would sound better :D
The second thing, when you said "he apologized for being so careless!.!.!.!.!.I became, steadily faithless" is sort of not mixing well with the rest of the poem to me for some reason!. If I may, I would change it to "apologies for his carelessness!.!.!.!.!.!.steadily my heart digressed"!. This keeps the rhyme scheme while adding to the imagery!. And it gives a more poetic vibe than the original verse!.
Btw, both layne AND jerry wrote lyrics!. I know Jerry wrote rooster, down in a hole, bleed the freak, sunshine, and grind (some of my favs) and Layne wrote love hate love, man in the box, dirt, and angry chair (also some of my favs ha ha :P)!. They both wrote confusion, would, and I can't remember, other great songs!. But this really is a nice but sad (as usual lol) poem with great imagery!. A broken heart bends the mind to write lovely things!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow that was a really great poem especially the last few lines it really goodWww@QuestionHome@Com