I'm new to writing poetry. Can someone criticize my poem and give feedback o

Question: I'm new to writing poetry!. Can someone criticize my poem and give feedback on what should be changed!?

http://allpoetry!.com/poem/4243425

that is the link to my poem!. I need help on revising it!. so give me some specific stuff that you think could be made better please!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I REALLY REALLY LIKED IT!.
maybe the reason why you need help revising is because there is nothing to revise!

it played like a movie in my head!.
the tear thing was a little confusing!.
maybe because the line starts off as my eyes become blurry!.

Now, this tear thing wouldn't be a problem if you were reading it out loud, but someone who is not you may be slightly confused!.

i think that's my only criticism!. i like how you can rhyme the words, and not let the words rhyme you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

"As cold fate and blade leaves his corpse behind
But drags off his soul and part of mine!."

There is not much I can see that needs to be revised!. Your poem is excellent!. Read it aloud and make any revisions that stand out as making it sound awkward!. I like particularly the lines above but none of it repells me!. this is my kind of poetry so I may be just enjoying the morbid drama of the scene you have set!. !. Imagery is very good!. Bravo!. !!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It would seem better to rhyme lines that end with (air) and (tear)!. Good Poetry!. You are doing well!. PS You are right, Each time I've read it, it was the blurry eyes!. Maybe others didn't read it that way!. Probably, leave it as you have it unless someone else suggests the change!. Sorry!Www@QuestionHome@Com

hey
im unable to find ur poem!.!.
is der a title!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com