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Question: Any suggestions for improvement of this poem!?
I have a girl in my class who we call Uni, and she is very severely mentally retarded!. She is almost always happy and she smiles and giggles for no apparent reason!. Sometimes, though, she screams and cries hysterically for hours and can't be calmed down, and we can never figure out what it is that is upsetting her because she can't really talk!. She only echoes what people say, but she seems to have no comprehension of what she is saying!. So I wrote this poem for her, because in a way I can understand where her pain comes from!.

Uni

You're screaming again!.

You can't speak, only
echo words and phrases you don't understand,
like a mindless little bird!.

You were born
with all the soul of a woman
and no words to express it!.

So you scream!.
I understand!.

I've been there!.

I've felt the heat that you feel;
the flames of a million years
of female karma
dancing,
burning tortuously inside your belly!.

I can see them in your eyes-
the pictures that haunt yourWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This has a lot going for it!. It shows maturity, and a good understanding of free-form poetry!.
My suggestion - be brutal with yourself, and cut the middle section (put it aside for another poem)
Cut from the inherited, genetic memories!.!.!.!.to!.!.!.!.fell from grace!. Or if you can't bear to do this!.!.!.from You feel all the bewilderment!.!.!.!.to!.!.!.!.!.child's death!.

consider replacing 'with all the soul' -by 'the whole soul' - I can't explain but 'all the soul' just doesn't sound right!.

Well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com

This is such a beautiful and touching poem!. It's relieving that there's someone in the world that doesn't laugh because someone is in a condition called "mental retardation!." I could practically love you!. Lol
<3Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's way too long and a little dumb!.

Leave the girl aloneWww@QuestionHome@Com