A poem for critiquing or comment. Thank you.?

Question: A poem for critiquing or comment!. Thank you!.!?

Terrapin Station
(Yeah, I know, that title is already taken!. Need a new title!.)

Out there where the ships
fall off the horizon
Tattered sea fog tendrils
try to catch them
As they spill over the edge
onto the backs of turtles
Dashed among shells
so freshly waxed
You can seen moonshine
reflected in their green sheen
Flying Dutchman
and terrapin soup
Stirred well with mainmast and mizzen
a dainty dish for Charon
Who waits
in the only boat that’s still afloat
Out there where the ships
fall of the horizonWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

"Don't pay the ferryman, until he gets you to the other side!."

This is darn good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

line 9 - 'seen' should be 'see'
last line - 'of' should be 'off'

If it were my poem, I would make the following (changes):

(Charon's Fare) or (Charon's Soup)

out there where the ships
fall off the horizon
(where) tattered sea fog tendrils
try to catch them
as they spill over the edge
onto the backs of turtles
(where they are)
dashed (upon) shells
so freshly waxed
you can (see) moonshine
reflected in their green sheen(!.)
Flying Duchman
and terrapin soup
stirred well with mainmast and mizzen,
a dainty dish for Charon
Who waits in the only boat
still afloat
out there
where the ships
fall (off) the horizon(!.)

I think the changes will help the flow of it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Interesting mine giant snot rag floater!.

Have you by any chance read any of Terry Pratchetts Disc World Series!?
He has written loads of fantasy/comedy the place he writes about is a world which consists of a disc surface with four elephants propping it up and those elephants stand on the back of a giant turtle roaming the universe!.

Really fun page turning stuff!.

The films are Hogfather and Colour of Magic

Sort of Harry Potter and Lord of the rings on Acid!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It has very good imaginary!. Good job, that is a very important part to writing a poem!.

but if you want some honest critiquing, then may I suggest you add in some punctuation!? Punctuation is very handy!. It'll help you create beneficial pauses to your poem, and help guide the reader along nice and smoothly!.

Once you get that down, go on to working on your flow!. Don't worry, it gets much easier as time goes ha ha!. Well done poet!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you want to change "seen" to "see" in line 9!?
So refreshing to read something captivatingly intelligent!. Kudos for the vivid imagery and mythological references, too!.

If I happen to think of a title to suggest, is it possible to answer again!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is really remarkable!. I love the imagery of the first half and the deeper meaning of the end!.!.!.!."tattered sea fog tendrils" to "a dainty dish for Charon!.!.!.in the only boat that's still afloat"!. Excellent writing!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Some powerul imagery - with echoes of well known works - but nonetheless your own - so keep it up!. As others have commented - you need to brush up some of the grammar and punctuation - but otherwise I reckon it's very good and you should persevere expressing yourself poetically!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very good - liked your usage of the old fables and legends of the sea - the end of the earth that is really riding on the back of a turtle!. Ending with Charon is probably what all of us will be doing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

you have a lot of things going on here!. do you plan to use commas!? you don't have a pause or break like a transition!. but other than that i think its alright!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Interesting use of letters!. Personally I would have arranged differently but it's standing upright and the opposable thumb that really count!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'm not very good with pomes unca Loose, but some of my best friends are turtles!. so please don't make soup out of them!. thank you!. BooWww@QuestionHome@Com

Enchanting! "A Drift"Www@QuestionHome@Com

Well penned!. My compliments!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This piece will give you your sea legs!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

you had me at "flying dutchman"Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's the end of the line for you!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Normally I do not go for poetry, but I fancy your effort here!. Have a starWww@QuestionHome@Com

I really don't "get it", so that probably means its good!. Call it The World's Edge Cafe!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

While the American public was still stunned by the news of the Pearl Harbor attack, three ideas were promptly fed to the people by the government!. One was that the damage was slight!. The second was that Kimmel and Short were responsible!. The third was that the President was taken completely by surprise!. Naval Secretary Knox, after a quick visit to Hawaii, returned and told us we had lost one battleship, the Arizona, three destroyers, a mine layer and an old target ship!. Some others were damaged!. But the balance of the fleet, he said, including battleships, carriers, heavy and light cruisers, destroyers and submarines were at sea seeking contact with the enemy, Newspapers praised his frankness and the President for making good on his promise of "full information!." But this statement was a carefully phrased falsehood!. The Secretary juggled with the word "lost!." Few ships, indeed, were permanently lost beyond ultimate salvage!. But they were lost utterly so far as having any striking power against the enemy was concerned!.

The majestic Pacific Fleet had been put out of action as an effective sea weapon!. We had eight battleships in Pearl Harbor!. The Arizona was blown up!. The Nevada, with a hole in her side, was settled in the mud!. The California lay on her side!. The West Virginia, torpedoed six times, rested on the bottom!. The Pennsylvania and Maryland were badly bombed!. The Oklahoma sank on her side in the shallow water!. Three cruisers were badly bombed!. Three destroyers were sunk!. A large drydock was destroyed!. The Utah and the Ogalala were sunk!. The Army and Navy had had nearly 5000 casualties!. They lost 197 planes!. In time nearly all of these vessels were reclaimed!. A few were out in a month!. But generally the damage had not been repaired until the Japanese had completed the conquest of the Philippines, Malay and Singapore and much of the rich Indies of the British and Dutch and stood at the gateway to Australia, Why had Knox lied!? To deceive the Japanese!? Hide from them the extent of our losses!? The Japanese knew them only too well He lied to deceive the American people who had been led to believe the Japanese would be a pushover and who, had they known the full extent of the losses, would have been more clamorous for the heads of the guilty!.Www@QuestionHome@Com