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Position:Home>Poetry> Read this. tell me what needs to be changed?Question: Read this!. tell me what needs to be changed!? I watch the blue sky
As time rolls by I feel I could swim At altitudes high Dipping, dashing Flowing, soaring Twirling, whooshing Tiger clouds roaring What a riveting revelation The beauty of the sky As I find myself in the sand again, A tear I cryWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Your initial rhyme pattern is aaba and aaaa, which are considered typical for a "rubaiyat" (as in the rubaiyat of omar Khayyam), but your last stanza falls apart!. Try this for a last stanza (or something like it): What a riveting revelation That the sky holds such temptation That when I land in the sand I still feel its inspiration Keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com The dead swans float by Each forgetting the times they could fly At altitudes high (keep this line) Oh, the stench causes a tear in my eye Flopping, bloating Thudding into random fixed objects Bubbling, blooping Turning over occasionally They also smelt quite a great deal ********************************* Well okay, I'm no H!. W!. Longfellow but whaddaya think!?Www@QuestionHome@Com |