Position:Home>Poetry> Would you help me improve Part XVI?
Question: Would you help me improve Part XVI!?
-Sin Seeker_
*Part XVI~
Fear rose thick through my veins
I backed myself against the wall
Who could he be to trap me here,
in the wilds of the world!?
“Pleas, what do you want with me!?”
He stared up with his ice-blue gaze
“I want nothing but to be,
for by me you may be saved…”
Confusion flooded down my thought
“Riddles
Confusion
No one speaks
with simple words for my dumb ears
Lies
Deception
by them I’m bound from youthful years!”
I glared
He bowed
“The Map is yours…” He raised it up
I snatched it, for he would withdrawal
“Be gone, if you must…”
He bit his lip
I clenched my jaw
Then looked down at my faithful guide,
the roads and glens had all but gone!.
A new fear rising deep inside
I sorely wished the dawn…
All that was left on parchment pale
was the words
‘The End of Roads Has Come…’
What thinks you guys!.!.!.!?
Blessed Be, Siren and, oh yah!.!.!. to be continued!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I was hooked anew by the first four lines!.!.!.beautiful!. I love "in the wilds of the world"- it fires my imagination!. It's also interesting that fear comes full circle in this part of the epic!. The last line is a shock!.!.!.where can you possibly go from there!? I will wait impatiently to find out!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is getting exiting but I am feeling drug through this!.!.!.; please, Siren, you know me!.!.!. you know how much I love ou poetry but I think you could get rid of so of these and condence them down!.!.!. as many have already said before, there is nver a finished poem!.!.!.
But this is still thrilling and I do await the next one!.!.!. It is like a TV Drama, and I see the visuals in my mind!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I recommend taking Kevin S's advice!. I've been checking out some of his answers -- they're pretty informative!.
T!.N!.T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
line 5: "pleas" should be "please", and there should not be a question mark at the end of the line!. Line 9 and 11 both start with confusion!.!.!.suggest you find another adjective in one of them!. Line 16, "by them I'm bound!.!.!." should be "by them I'm banned"!.!.!."bound" is to be connected unescapably from, so it would be "bound to youthful years", not "from"!. Line 20, "!.!.!.withdrawl"!.!.!.withdrawl is a noun!.!.!.your sentence leads into a verb!.!.!."he would "verb required here"!.!.!.as in "he would withdraw it"!.
It is a decent poetic narrative, it lacks a little imagry, and it reads a little too far on the side of prose!.!.!.but it's still poetic!.
!.!.!.just some honest feedback to someone who asked!.
!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com