Position:Home>Poetry> Please can someone help me with this little thing?
Question: Please can someone help me with this little thing!?
Alone afraid of the evil bid
All my secrets deep i hid
I’ve sold my soul to eternal hell
Doomed fires of a burning cell
Now i reap what i sow
Secrets revealed
I must abide to the ancient law
Darkness unveiled
Redrum,blood, murder i sought
Yet look at me Oh the shame i’ve brought
16 years drowned in pain
Trials of life sweeping in vain
A long journy on a cursed lane
Entrapped beneath the gruesom bane
Left me wondering if i’ll end up sane
what do you think !.!. what word sould i change
can you rate this
its for school so the faster the betterWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I actually liked the break from rhyme in the second stanza!. I think you could do a little more with it though just because it's so short and the last stanza is so full of the "-ane" ending and is 3 lines longer!. I would suggest balancing out the stanzas a tidge more just because it does end awkwardly and maybe rearranging the last one a bit so the "-ane" ending isn't lumped together !.!.!. makes it sound forced and a little monotonous at that point!.
Otherwise, I think the emotions and theme are great!. You use words quite well and are able to make your point somewhat succinctly!. Keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It definitely needs to be cleaned up a lot in terms of spelling and punctuation and such!.
I suppose it's not that bad for a 16-year-old!. It's not good, but it's not that bad!. I'd say you have potential!.
But to get there you'll probably want to read and emulate some of the poets/authors who are in this vein!. I'd recommend Poe (of course), but not just his poems---read his prose as well, even his critical prose (essays on poetry or other poets)!. I think you might find Lautreamont's Maldoror and Maturin's Melmoth the Wanderer interesting!. also Georg Trakl and Paul Celan and Jeremy Reed would probably suit you, each for his own reasons!.!.!.!. Marina Tsvetaeva!.!.!.!. others I'm sure I'm forgetting!.!.!.!.
Just keep reading and writing and reading, and you'll get there!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think its perfect!. Just spell gruesome correctly!. A long journey on a cursed lane is my favorite line,by far!. This poem reminds me of the song Nebraska by Bruce Springsteen!. He wrote it about a serial killer being put to death and the tone is so similar to your poem!. Its very powerful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree with the rhyme statement from the individual before me!. It is better to stay consistent throughout!. Next, "i reap what i sow" , stating this does take way from your works!. It is better to keep the focus on your expressive skills!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's not bad!. It's not amazing though!. I would either use a ryme through out the poem or not though!.
Just my opinion though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
aehaehWww@QuestionHome@Com
Queen ~
meets Poe!.
Good use of words !.Www@QuestionHome@Com