Position:Home>Poetry> How would you help me improve Part XI, my last of the night?
Question: How would you help me improve Part XI, my last of the night!?
His eyes fell hard, like brutal clout
Down upon my rent, razed crown
My voice battled to be let out
Silenced as the cluster danced ‘round
“Who are you, new persecution,”
At last the query was released
He only glared fiercer into my skull
With eyes as of the long deceased
“Taint,” a voice on whispered wings of Hell
Through cruel lips and fanged smile
“I want to pass to valley deep
Be quick, Foul thing, with elected trial!”
A seconded time I looked to him
The seconded glance proved different still
Before myself stood me with glee
The other me, just as real
“Why did I listen to that man,”
I mused to me, outside myself
“is it to late to go back home”
I laughed at his, my, miserable wealth
Intended doubt began to rise
And I began to rue the road
If I turned now to venture back
Perhaps I could evade this load
“NO” the true me shouted back
“I cannot return after all this!
Be gone, foul Taint, before you find
My sword your rank, rot lips shall kiss!”Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I like this one as much as ten, but the last line just didn't work with me -- I don't know why, I just stumbled there, too many nouns and not enough verbs maybe!.
Anyway, you need a website for all these, or some way of making them down-loadable!.
And thanks for pointing out to go to your profile and click on your questions!. I hadn't figured that out on my own; I was jumping all over the place looking for them (don't laugh)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You had better make this clear, for I have the distinct impression that the person yelling at her is indeed the elusive "Miir!." Her other side, other self, reflection damning her for the truth of what she is!. Yes, I will continue with you to the end, but you must promise me that you will take us there, and create a satisfying, not necessarily happy, ending!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I am so hooked! All the wretched misery and delusion here! You cannnot go back now, as the 'true me' shouted!. The last two lines are powerful and, as usual, leave me hanging on the next words!. "Before myself stood me with glee" is spell binding writing!. I am with you until the end!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree with Iffy (<intentinal spelling of name) There is a WEIGHT to this one!.!.!. I hope to see some rainbows and sunflowers soon!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
There is a cumbersome wait to your words here!.!.!. as if it was difficult to write!. I, as a reader, found it awkward to read!. This is not a bad thing, really, because at this point in the tale, it should be hard to carry on!.!.!.
Each different poem in the Series has its own voice!.!.!. not at all obstructive to the world in which they exist!. I have never before seen a line of poems that changes, in for, with the mood of the story!. I am sure they exist somewhere but the others are not Siren's!.!.!. thank you for this whole traveling experience, it has been fun and I look forward to the end!.!.!. though, I do not really want it to!.Www@QuestionHome@Com