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Question: Last poem for a while!.!.!.i need critique!?
cant change the world
in the dark
the empty inside me
grows the mark
the evil is jestering
find the time too,
with all the lips
in motion for you
remove the rest bit by bit
it screams my name
as well the pitch deafens
the tone and volume paralyze
my bones cripple to staggering
so center the topic in regard
and the answer slowly retains
truth in some way
to stay in the arms of the caring
and the beautiful cry for power
to control the insight, the motor
the world set for all
for money, for looks, for the "look at me now"
and you chaos outside
a spinning world
out of control you see them
the temples pulsing harder than heart
nothing one can do
with nothing from the start
and the end you long
to embrace the restWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
awesome!! i loved it :D
i love the way how you used certain adjectives, like how some lines totally aren't logical but they still make perfect sense, like 'my bones cripple to staggering'!.
i'm not sure what you meant with 'find the time too,' in the second paragraph, like whether you meant 'time, too' or 'time to' !.!.!.doesn't really matter, but if you're keeping the poem you might want to edit that part, it just made it hard to understand for me!.
if you're looking for constructive criticism (but please don't take it the wrong way!! i honestly really loved it!), i'd work on the rhythm, like sometimes i found it hard to find a steady one, and that distracted me a bit!. or if you didn't mean for it to have one, i'd make that more obvious!. the words that are in it make up for that, though!.
might just be me, but i think it'd make a good song if you're a muso!.!.!. haha :) i can imagine the 4th and last paragraph in a songWww@QuestionHome@Com
It's not bad, very interesting!. I only have a problem with the temples pulsing harder than heart--did you mean harder than the heart!? It's not a bad poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com