How can I make my poem better?

Question: How can I make my poem better!?

Our love died long
before this tree,
but still it bears our names!.

Leaves lay lifeless,
beneath my feet,
but memory's life remains!.

Shady branches,
protectively watched,
a false eternity etched!.

But protected,
our love was not,
for, time has no remorse!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

It's beautiful Sher!.
It carries an honest sadness!. Seeing as you asked!.!.!.
May I be so bold as to suggest:
______________________________________!.!.!.

Time has no remorse
Our love was not
Protected

Our love died long
before this tree,
Yet still!? It bears our names!.

Leaves left lifeless,
beneath my feet,
but memory's, life, remains!.

Shady branches,
protectively watched,
False eternity, they're etched!.

Protected
our love was not!.
Time has no remorse!.

______________________________________!.!.!.

Thank you for posting and sharing this!.!.!.
DxWww@QuestionHome@Com

I think the only change I would make is to remove the comma in the last line of stanza four!. It creates an unnecessary pause that halted the flow of this otherwise beautiful poem!. Your first stanza, especially, kind of tugged on my heartstrings!. That's hard to do, so congratulations!. also, the imagery of the third line, stanza three, is stunning!. "A false eternity etched!." Bloody brilliant darling!. Keep it up!. also, needs a title!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

10/10

It is an exceptional poem!. Working with the end of a relationship can be difficult, yet you have done it so well!.

Your alliteration with leaves lay lifeless is perfection!.
I think I'd also remove the commas in stanza two!. The full sentence, broken so precisely, reads easier without them!.

Although it is grammatically correct to personify memory with
an 's, it makes for rough reading the line!. I made a minor change (in the copy of your poem below); however looking at it, it now seems trite!. The original is better!.

Last Stanza -- I deleted the comma after for below as well because it is adding a break to the reading that you don't need!.

Our love died long
before this tree,
but still it bears our names!.

Leaves lay lifeless
beneath my feet
but memory's life remains!.

Shady branches,
protectively watched,
a false eternity etched!.

But protected,
our love was not,
for time has no remorse!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

If you want to make this, or any poem, stronger, you need to identify its strengths and weaknesses!. I look at words — strong words vs!. weak words!. Do a count!. Your poem has 42 words, and by my count eight of these are verbs (and the final verb "has" is weak)!. About 16 (or so) are modifiers (adjectives, adverbs and prepositions used as such)!.

This is a 1-2 verb to modifier ratio!. Modern poetry prefers a 2-1 ratio — and for good reason — it moves away from stilted 19th Century language and form!.

"Leaves lay lifeless,
beneath my feet !.!.!." This isn't the way the language works!.

The ear is looking for something like:

"Beneath my feet
lay lifeless leaves
and only memory remains!."

I don't like that any better (or even as well) but my point is not to stray too far from the natural rhythms of our language!.

I see the same thing in the V4, and my ear cringes a little!.

And, yes, you need to remove that L12 comma!. While you are at it, change "for" to "and" — which will take away some of the "stilting!." A lot!.

We carved our names once
on this tree that lives to speak
of yet another unholy, rotting state:
Our love which died before
the last leaf falls or
its brittle branches break!.

Memory remains;
it's shady limbs
still protect
this false eternity!.

So there are limitless possibilities here!. You can go dark, as I did (also in 42 words), or whimsical, or wiser and thoughtful!. Just don't fall into the trap of thinking that good poetry has to sound like it's 200 years old!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

For a poem to be "good", I think it should sound good aloud!. This does not, in a couple of places!.
Change 'Leaves lay lifeless" (terrible when spoken) to
"leaves are lifeless" or something, and change "protectively watched" to "through I watched" etc!., to make it flow from the tongue!. I'll cut it even more!. Its all about getting rid of useless words!.

Our love died long
before this tree,
but it still bears our names!.

Leaves are lifeless,
beneath my feet,
but memory remains!.

Shady branches,
through I watched,
a false eternity (!?) etched!.

Protected not,
our love was not,
and time has no remorse!.

signed!.!.!.!.!. Editor!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The term "better" is very subjective - you must believe your poem is Worthy in order to share it!. I believe it is Worthy and you do not need to change it because it would be changing you in turn! It is how it flowed out of your mind!. Lovely, pensive thoughts!. Brava poetess!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Maybe try to engage more of the senses (sounds, colors, smells, tastes)!. also, while there are some nice lines here you might consider adding more tension into the piece--it seems a bit static!. It's a good start though Sher!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Well stated!. The passion, and remorse shows!. Your third stanza was extremely strong and it set up your closing well!. My compliments!. Sit on it for awhile and revisit to see if it warrants changes!. Its a keeper!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it as is!. You told a sad episode in life!. The images entered at the right time!. The dialogue followed!. As the love died, this poem lives!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The theme is one of fame and flame, I agree with the others
and it is certain you will find your way, to bring it more alive
as it does already sing!. good luck and I await it's return!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like the concept and the attempt at form, also the last phrase "time has no remorse!." It needs to be more visual; you're telling, not showing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Minor point: I don't believe there should be a comma in the last line!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It sounds just fine to me, but if you truly want to know, try poetry!.com!. I get tons of feedback from there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com