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Position:Home>Poetry> First draft poem, is this ok, be honest, what should i change, what did you likeQuestion: First draft poem, is this ok, be honest, what should i change, what did you like and what didnt you like!? Illusion of appearance
I look in the mirror And see a stocky lad Welcome to my era It’s a story that sad I have no self esteem My bones creek when I walk Inside i want to scream But all I do is talk My appearance is weak I appear to be bones When i walk in the street I just feel all alone I remember the start Everyday been sick The murmur in my heart Told me I was been thick I’m to coward to eat I have no apatite I think I deserve a treat To slip away at nightWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Despite the fact that my heart sank when I read the first line, when the poem got under way (and I realised the anorexia background) I felt a fair amount of power coming off this work!. The short lines evoke a suppressed anger, and there's a bitter irony in the rhymes!. It's a deceptively simple format, at odds with the horror of the internal scream and feeling of creaking bones!. I really felt this!. I'm not 100% convinced by the last line, though!. It seems to be there just for the rhyme!. Mostly this is a disturbingly effective work!. I hope its therapy has been successful!Www@QuestionHome@Com Sounds good!. It's a sad take though!. I do think you need to pay a bit of attention to grammar and spelling!. Line 4 - that's rather than that Line 6 - creak - not creek Line 14 - Everyday I've been sick - perhaps!? Line 16 - I'm too cowardly to eat Line 17 - appetite I do hope you're not anorexic and planning suicide though!. Sorry if I've been too picky!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Good job! This is really very good!. The only thing that I would suggest is checking spelling errors!. also, line 17 (i think) I would change it by saying "I'm to much of a coward to eat!." But either way its really really good!. :) good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com only get better keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com this is kinda!.!.!.!.!. s c a r y !. Honestly!. But its a good poem!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com good workWww@QuestionHome@Com its good, just word on grammer and spellingWww@QuestionHome@Com I like your poem and I think it matches the title very well!. Correct the spelling and that will make it even better!. My bones creak - I want - I walk - appetite - too cowardly!. Not a criticism but correct spelling helps you get a better mark!. Put in a bit of punctuation especially full stops to make it flow a bit better!. Miss out the word been before the word thick!. I think the second last line lacks impact and you have only put it in because it rhymes with eat - I would re write it more in keeping with your last line!. Hope you achieve what you are aiming for!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |